I guess the dogma of the Trinity kind of eliminates my 'lonely God' model, maybe if I functioned in a Trinity my whole life would be an outpouring of love as well.
I was at work the other night and they gave us even more stupid uniforms, weird red hats that look like the kind Anglican Seminarians wear. I saw a girl I worked with who looked really cute, smiling and laughing and talking about going to a party. I am not like that person. I don't go to parties. Post-Modern Fun, and I seem to have a philosophical/moral difference, and can't quite see eye to eye on principle. So once again I felt by myself, not looking particularly cute in my red hat, just looking as one co-worker who hates me described it 'as a big cherry'.
I've always conceived of God deistically in a way, that he was huge and utterly different than us, it was somehow influenced by Reformed theology that nothing I could do would appease him (sola fide) and thus Catholicism is offering new challenges to me. It teaches more firmly the dogma of the Incarnation, the idea that God "pitched his tent with men". It teaches an ongoing sacrifice for sins in a sense and that we can participate -as the body of Christ- in the work of the cross by suffering. It is scarier to think in that way, that as Gladiator says "what we do in life, echoes in eternity". Atheism is the cowardly faith really, it's much easier to believe we are a pleasant mistake. My personal phrase or philosophy used to be "don't worry, you are to insignificant to do anything really terrible". So maybe loneliness is a great comfort and a great despair.
I try to think of a bible verse everyday for work to meditate on and think about all day.
"God created us for incorruption, and made us in the image of his own eternity/nature" (Wisdom of Solomon 2:23)
