Latin, The Girl, and the Trip That Never Is

I switched my courses tonight for Brock. I decided to take Latin. I HAVE to learn it eventually for a masters in history or theology, so it was only a matter of time. Personally, I would've liked to put it off for a couple more years.

Languages are a funny thing for me, because I love them, I love the idea of speaking another language or reading it. But mostly Latin because it is the language of our history, the eternal langua Romani (Language of the Romans). I feel impowered when I know another language, I feel as if I could be a whole different person. For me, language is a many splendoured thing. But in honesty I suck at Latin. I tried alot, but never came up with enough effort to master the material. I hated the tenses and the necessity of precise endings, etc. I'm terrible at Latin, and so I'm conflicted, it's as if this door is open in front of me, and everyone tells me (including myself) that if I just tried hard enough I could get through it. But at the same time I'm weighed down with sloth and grammatical ignorance and I can't make it through.

There's a girl I saw tonight, the chances of her reading this blog are minimal so I don't mind posting it. Though it would be a typical chapter in my life if she saw it this one time. Anyway, this girl I saw tonight is a genius, and we have everything in common. I can't think of a time when I've been more foolish than when I tried to ask her out. It might possibly be the dumbest I've ever been. It was generic, obvious, and awkward. I was heart-broken for a while...actually I don't know if I have a heart, but I was very upset. In any case, she is not at all interested in me, but whenever I see her it's like the open door. I have this beautiful image of how happy I could be if we were even just friends, but I can't seem to make it. Again I'm weighed down and in my mind I keep telling myself ('it's your own fault' just like Latin). It makes me hate myself as I look at my gross unshaven gay-tee, and my morbidly obese sized t-shirts. I want to speak Latin, I want people to like me, I want to run again, I want to be healthy and suave and fit.

Finally, I have a trip that got postponed again, it's the 4th time now and I'm furious. I can't ask my boss for the 4th time to reschedule me. I'm so angry at my parents. It's totally out of my control, and it shows how little they respect me or my life. But obviously if I can't do anything right, why would they?

It's painfully clear to me what my Summum Bonum, my greatest good, is. To love myself enough to start running, to love my future enough to study Latin night and day and ace the class, and to then win the affections of the girl and live much more happily, for a little while at least.

God if you're listening, please help me. But I'm never as certain about anything as I am that I will fail. I will drag myself through latin, possibly dropping it, failing, or barely passing. I will embarrass myself infront of the girl and focus her annoyances on me into dislike, and I will remain the same blob, sitting in bed, crying out to God, crying out on this blog, crying out to the no one who is listening. Such seems my life.

But maybe everything will change, maybe I will acheive my Summum Bonum, that I will feel Eudaimonea. That small pathetic hope lives on somewhere in the cynicism and pessimism of my soul, and that is why I will wake up tomorrow, and read a chapter of my latin book, and go to work, and try to eat healthy. In the hope that everything might change. Tolkien taught me hope, and I don't know whether to blame or thank him for it.

Domine misere mei.

G.I. Joe Review

I was taught in American history that G.I. Joe was started to help the army recruit me into the general infantry and to make daily tasks of military life at the lowest rank seem action-filled.

This movie was basically driven by 3 factors:

American-style Violence
I'd like to refilm the movie shot by shot and just show all the civilians (and 1 polar bear) die. The cars that are choreographed to spin and blow up, and the babies and families inside dying for a vaguely liberal cause that just seeks to re-establish the order of America as military power #1. Imagine a popular action film where France was the dominant military power in the world at the end. It would be seen as a horror-movie. Any non-Anglospheric country is a bad guy if it isn't humorous and stereotypical or in bowed subservience to the altar of Washington.

For a country in a war (Iraq) where over 1000 times the amount of native civilians were killed as a result of the formal cause (september 11th, 2001), you could see how this movie functions as an apologia. By making America the perpetual good-guys you can kill Parisian civilians in graphically entertaining ways and it doesn't matter because it's all for the 'greater good' which is American perseverance.

I think the greater good would've been non-violence. If the Americans never bought the weapons that the movie was centred around, none of this would happen. If everyone on earth, or at least a large portion of people just refused to fight unless it was just, there would be no international arms trade to villanize on screen. (Ironically America is the world's largest international arms dealer which is conveniently left out).

The Bad guy of G.I. Joe was an arms dealer who sells weapons to both sides, AMERICA sells weapons to both sides, HELLO! Iran-Iraq war anyone? ring any bells?

Cleavage

I'll put it this way, I searched Sienna Miller on Google and I couldn't find a picture clean enough to post on here.

Since when did supermodels with abnormally large bust-sizes join the army, and since when does the army allow women to have shoulder length, perfectly styled hair?

Technology

This of course is the West's favourite new god, from the iPod to GPS to "nanomyte war heads" Steve Jobs is the Muhammad of the 21st century. The whole film had strange super-technology that deified the humans who use it. It empowered them in a pseudo-Nietzschean Overman-esque way that makes people think materialism is fun and exciting and that man is the measure of all things. Cancer in the film was destroyed by the technology and the G.I. Joes had super-human / evolved human powers and were pretty much invulnerable. Life is frail, and the thing 21st century man still fears most is death. But unlike the other generations he is failing to think about it at all. Technology is the new god that can save him from whatever fears he places in it's trust. This is not only untrue, it's idolatrous.

Such was the film which will probably be followed by numerous sequels.

I'm still waiting for a movie about St. Thomas Aquinas or Aristotle or "Virtue Heroes" who captivate the audience with their Prudence, Temperance, Wisdom and Fortitude.

Cowardice

"The power of evil men lies in the cowardice of the good." — St. John Bosco

I am such a coward. Lord deliver me.

Gay Grocery Day

I work in a grocery store and I despise working on Sundays. As a self-righteous Christian I always like to be at church to make sure everyone knows that I'm holier than them (sarcasm but also a bit of truth). But such is life, that as a student I have to work sundays. It's amazing the people you see in a grocery store at different times on any given day.

Sunday mornings are usually pretty dead there, but the demographics are more noticable. For example: Homosexuals shop on sundays. While I am in Canada and we're more liberal socially (should read: intolerant to traditional morality) there are more homosexuals around and in public. Toronto (gay) "pride parades" are (in)famous. As a side note I wonder if they'll ever have parades based on other deadly sins (Pride is one of the 7). I guess the Lust parade would be mardi gras, the gluttony parade would have to be short (to make sure not to exercise too much), and the sloth parade would never make it out the door. Ok, my soliloquay is over now.

Anyway, so Gay grocery day I think is sunday, specifically sunday morning. I guess all the gay United and Anglicans shop on other days of the week, but the aside from them, all the homosexuals come grocery shopping sunday morning.

It makes sense if you think about it. Because they wouldn't probably be going to Church (except the Anglicans and United as I mentioned) and would obviously want to put Church out of their mind, so why not get an annoying obligation like grocery shopping out of the way.

I usually pray for every one I see on sunday mornings (not just homosexuals) that they would come to know Jesus and join his family (the Church), and consequently leave their life of sin - as all of us are called to do.

I also think that it's weird when they kiss - the lesbians don't (only on TV), but the guys do.

My atheist friend who worked with me HATED the gays, like REALLY hated them. I could tell you stories of the stuff he did, but I won't (I wouldn't want this blog to be too exciting). It was then I realized that it wasn't just Abrahamic religions that condemned them but also Plato, Aristotle and Natural Law.

It's unnatural, in terms of the Natural Law tradition it'd be called "disordered". Anyway, this wasn't supposed to be a tirade against homosexuals. Lord knows they suffer enough from every side. I just think it's interesting that we (Christians) get blamed for a universal reality ("homophobia", I wonder if fear of murderers would be a psychological disorder "nekrophobia").

A running joke at work is: ask Andrew what his views on Homosexuality are. I always respond: I'm not legally allowed to speak them, as it is now Hate Speech. And then everyone laughs about it because they know my views, and assume it's because I'm Catholic (I heard my Presbyterian, Anglican, and United church co-workers talk about how "homophobic" conservative Christians were on my lunch break). But from now on I'm just going to say:

According to Aristotle, the soul of man seeks the good, virtue, and ultimately happiness because these are a part of it's nature. Homosexuality goes against the nature of the soul. Ergo (therefore) it's wrong.

No one carries Gay Marriage picket signs with Aristotle.

Where Buddha and St. Benedict could agree.

Buddha described suffering as coming from a human desire to constantly grab onto things, the best translation I've heard is "Thirst". We are always thirsting after things and filled with desire, and this is our problem.

St. Benedict the father of Monasticism agreed with him in a way. He talked about the distractions of the world, and how only when we separated ourselves from it could we be free. I don't know if St. Bendict actually said those things, but I know that's what monasticism taught.

So in a sense, Buddhist and Christian monks agree with the greek philosophers as well, that we need to stop thirsting after what Plato called "Shadow pleasures" which were the vices, reflections of the virtues.

This draws me to monasticism.

Van Gogh, Happiness, and Work

You (dan, the only guy who reads this blog) will notice that my new profile picture is Vincent Van Gogh's Red Vineyard. I've had a thing for vineyards recently and I've appreciated Van Gogh alot ever since I learned about his life.

He was a clergyman who tried to cheer people up who were destitute coal miners. But he couldn't help them there (he thought). So he began to paint pictures of their toil and sadness so that others would be motivated to help them. But then he succumbed to depression and madness himself.

That is my oversimplified and probably wrong summary of Van Gogh's life. It is what I remember learning about Van Gogh, which teaches me something about myself. It is a warning not to allow yourself to be completely immersed in trying to bring about complete temporal/earthly happiness

Going to my gurus, St. Thomas Aquinas and St. Augustine I read on this issue:

"A certain participation of Happiness can be had in this life: but perfect and true Happiness cannot be had in this life. This may be seen from a twofold consideration.

First, from the general notion of happiness. For since happiness is a "perfect and sufficient good," it excludes every evil, and fulfils every desire. But in this life every evil cannot be excluded. For this present life is subject to many unavoidable evils; to ignorance on the part of the intellect; to inordinate affection on the part of the appetite, and to many penalties on the part of the body; as Augustine sets forth in De Civ. Dei xix, 4. Likewise neither can the desire for good be satiated in this life. For man naturally desires the good, which he has, to be abiding. Now the goods of the present life pass away; since life itself passes away, which we naturally desire to have, and would wish to hold abidingly, for man naturally shrinks from death. Wherefore it is impossible to have true Happiness in this life.

Secondly, from a consideration of the specific nature of Happiness, viz. the vision of the Divine Essence, which man cannot obtain in this life" - St. Thomas Aquinas "Summa Theologiae" First Part of the Second Part, Question 5, Article 3

To translate as best I can Sts Thomas and Augustine say that basically while we can be happy in this life, we can't have complete happiness for 2 reasons: evil in the world (our ignorance, unhealthy appetites, bodily problems/sickness) and because true happiness is seeing God/ The Divine Essence.

For their vision of Heaven is the concept of "The Beatific Vision" that is, seeing God's essence 'face to face'. It's like looking at a beautiful landscape or a sunset or a piece of art that is so beautiful you completely forget about yourself.

I agree with those two, that sounds like heaven. I suck at art, but I'd like to say I appreciate some art, because it makes you do that (lose yourself, the literal meaning of extasy).

Today I have to go to work (in 20 min) and I'm nervous and despairing as usual, but I woke up today like everyday, seeking happiness. And the biggest part of today's work will be avoiding the error of Van Gogh and the error of myself. Trying to find complete happiness in temporal things. I need to align my understanding of happiness not with my ignorance and lust and inordinate bodily desires, but with the summum bonum, the greatest good, the divine essence, and the virtuous life.

If I can get through today by seeking happiness there, and not in the places I naturally (or rather unnaturally go), i'll be one step closer to Eudaimonea, that is fullfillment and happiness.

The Importance Of A Good Professor - Teaching Thomism

I'm looking forward to this year at Brock University for a few reasons. One of them is to be taught by a good professor. I get the 'religious status' of every professor I have. Most start off with a quote from Nietzsche and it's easy enough to figure them out. But I've had a few great exceptions.

One prof I had was Leonard Ferry, I don't know if I'm allowed to mention him on this blog - I doubt he'll ever read it - but through the course of the year I learned a great deal from him. He taught us "Ancient Political Philosophy" which was code for "Aristotelian Moral and Social Philosophy". He challenged all of our (myself included) modernist assumptions about ethics, he taught us from a Natural Law perspective (something I'd never encountered before Catholicism) and when I heard him quote Aquinas I got suspicious. Normally they don't let conservatives of any kind into liberal public universities, but Ferry had snuck in it seemed.

The problem was I had been beaten down by secularism at university. He was another philosophy professor, and I assumed a Nietzschean. So when we discussed the Republic, I used my modernist (or post-modernist) criticisms in the hope of scoring brownie points. He rebutted everything I said with Thomistic philosophy, and I knew then, that this was the smartest non-atheistic (I didn't know he was Catholic yet) philosopher I'd ever met. I soon learned through the grapevine (Mel) that he was indeed a Romanist. His teachings on Aristotle (and by continuation - smuggled in Aquinas/Christianized Aristotle) mixed with the scholastic epistemology I had learned from my Grade 12 philosophy prof made it so that I was ripe for conversion to Rome.

This good professor made us read 2 works of Aristotle (Nicomachean Ethics, and The Politics) and I read both in a course of a few days. Aristotle hit me like a ton of bricks, he was a genius, and (best of all) he could prove the existence and value of virtues without resorting to God. I could use reason alone to prove the natural law.

I remember how much this changed my life when I was at a "Focus on the Family" event at my parents Baptist church, before I had entered the Catholic Communion. It was called "The Truth Project" and was basically teaching presuppositional apologetics - apologetics that take for granted that God exists, and that the Bible is true. As everyone looked around the room satisfied with the state of things I was trying to stop myself from laughing. "If someone believes God exists and that the Bible is true, aren't they already a Christian? and isn't the only purpose of apologetics, conversion?" No one got it. We were on different frameworks. They were on divine command ethics, I was in virtue ethics. They had "Answers in Genesis" to 'prove' God, I had the Summa and St. Thomas' Five ways (and at that point Descartes).

Speaking of Descartes, Dr. Ferry also ripped apart all my Cartesian theism which had got me through 1st year, and after the course was done and I'd read through G.K. Chesterton's "Orthodoxy" I had safely executed the Cogito, as well as a completely uncritical acceptance of Reason alone.

Aquinas, Scotus, and other scholastics always warned about a trust in reason alone, something the Reformers reacted to, but that's another issue. Anyway, that is how I got a Thomistic (Or possibly just Catholic) basis for what I believed.

I've found Aristotelian Thomism to be the most ingenius thing. Although my catechesis has made me pretty Molinist (Catholicism is obsessed with foreknowledge...), I'm really hoping to figure out some more Thomism, and hopefully read some Etienne Gilson and Jacques Maritain.

Professor Ferry also taught me that those Thomistic philosophers helped pioneer the UN Declaration on Human Rights. pretty cool.

Bulimia, Melodrama, and the new Talisman

You know your life is fucked up (to use the Anglo-Saxon tongue) when the thought comes to you "I wish I were bulimic". My carnal life is fed by two fires of overconsumption: lust and gluttony. Or what I like to call, the "uncool" sins. Drunkenness and Pride would probably be alot more fashionable. But by the grace of God I am what I am, to rip St. Paul's words out of context.

I know I'm doing better with lust when I am filled with self-loathing because of gluttony (by this I basically mean that I'm obese, I don't think I commit the sin in the manner of the Romans). So today I was thinking about 'trying' bulimia. But I didn't. Mainly because a friend of mine used to be, and she coughs up blood now. And secondly because I pictured myself sitting at the doctors , fat as ever, and having him tell me I have a stomach disorder because of it, and that strangely enough I was the only fat bulimic person on earth. By this I mean: even in my vices I cannot seem to suceed. I'd find something else to hate myself for, it would just go on and on.

So I didn't throw up, as usual, it was all talk. I'm a classic academic, melodramatic, overeducated, and self-centred. I never do anything, because by God's grace if I was a "doer" (or an American) I probably would've blown my brains out long ago.

I have to go to work now. I always get scared before work. It reminds me of George Orwell describing bording school where he wet the bed and was punished. He said that he had never achieved such fervancy in his prayer life as when he prayed before he went to bed those nights. I have a similar fervancy before work. Yesterday I put my rosary Lance gave me in my pocket, it actually made me feel safer. I'm going to do it again tonight. I guess I am a superstitious romanist now. oh well, as John Lennon said 'whatever helps you through the night' and/or deli shift.