Swine Flu and Latin Loneliness

I wrote out a journal of random thoughts I've had over the last few days, perhaps I'll post it one day, but since it involves alot of personal names of people I won't put it up, but sum up the geist / spirit of what I wrote using 3 events/themes. And I promise: I've deleted all the Theology stuff.

I was in Latin today and my nazi prof was being her typical power-tripping self and catching kids unaware who didn't do their homework. I get really lonely alot, and sometimes irrationally fearful at Brock, and so I always "fantasize" (if that's the right word and doesn't carry too much sexual association) about girls sitting next to me in class. Well a girl sat next to me today and we were actually really close together. She was sneezing the whole time and coughing into her jacket, and as it turns out she had swine flu. I realized as she kept coughing that I had the strongest desire to rub her back and ask her how she was holding up. But then I realized that a: Nazi prof would freak, b: she would look at me and be awkward, c: that's the last time I'd ever have someone sit next to me.

This feeling of loneliness increased to the point that I actually wanted to hug this swine flu girl. Crazy as it sounds against all reason in a rare moment of pure emotion I almost tried to hug this girl whose name I could only guess at. Suddenly my Conservative Victorian Baptist upbringing kicked in and I moved a few centimetres away from her and resumed staring at the clock and avoiding the Latin SS/Gestapo...

I asked her how she was at the end of class and stuff but I think she just thought I was more of a creepy stalker than a concerned co-human.

I hate myself, I wish I looked and acted welcoming to other people. I wish I could be the person others feel compelled to hug and actually spread some humanity, compassion, and charity (love/agape) to our overly synthetic world, but it appears my lot by Providence to remain the desiring rather than the fulfilled, the becoming rather than the being.

I went home, read some theology, ate some chocolate cake (which is just compounding all my problems), felt guilty and self-loathing because I ate it, and sat down to blog.

Andrew remanet solus. *** Alone, Andrew remains

'All the girls in every girlie magazine can't make me feel, any less alone. I'm reaching for the phone, to call at 7:03, on your machine I slur a plea for you to come home.' - Deathcab for Cutie

Idiocy of Human Limitations ; Fall ; Time

Time is a strange thing, in St. Augustine's Confessions he basically envisions walking out onto a plain and imagines that in the open air around him etc is all time (ie. somehow not linear but 3 dimensional). I just butchered that insight.

Anyway, I have a 2000 word essay due tomorrow that I've barely started and I'm a bit worried. I don't WANT to do it, and I have to work today so I'll be up most of the night I'm sure. But still I find comfort in thinking: Time will be defeated, the time will come when I hand in the paper and it's all over, done. Time passes so quickly and sometimes I think my life is just trying to rush through time only to realize that I've lost it.

I wish I could enjoy every moment, especially Fall/Autumn, it's so beautiful. The trees and the corn fields, it's my favourite season. I only got to take 1 or 2 walks and they were awesome, but now I'm noticing too many of the leaves falling and realizing I've wasted another year's chances. I like looking at things from a different perspective, I like laying out on the ground and looking up at the sky and thinking about how big the world is and how stupid all of our human obligations are. For example: Today I have to go to work in 38 minutes, I then have to hand in my history paper in 24 hours 38 minutes. But that's all human responsibility and obligation, biologically, I could just sit here on the couch. My work could call, I could get fired, my prof could email me and say that I failed the course, but that's it....that's it.... I'd still be sitting here at 12:01 on friday and nothing would have physically affected me. In no way would I be in danger or hopeless.

I like remembering that. I wish I could levitate, if I could levitate/fly I would quit school right now. My World of Warcraft priest could levitate where you would hover about 2 feet off the ground and you could jump off cliffs and just slowly float down.



I think it'd be so wonderful to just quit everything and slowly float around on a beautiful October day. I dream of that freedom WoW simulated, to just have endless free time, to be autonomous truly, to only fear about real life dangers not something as synthetic as work or school.

I'd like to cash out everything from my bank account and wander from town to town enjoying every moment, because one day my time will end, and I'll die and that's it. School, work, money, even family, will be nothing. Just my soul, just God. that's it.

(I'd also prefer travelling to WoW cities which are probably much cooler than real towns, case and point:)



To roam and chase after Eudaimonia and to love and to hope, this is what feeds my soul. Not essays about American History and Deli work.