We / I interrupt your regularly scheduled shitty stories to bring you a short philosophy blurb.
"A little philosophy inclineth man's mind to atheism, but depth in philosophy bringeth men's minds about to religion." - Francis Bacon
I've been listening to the work of Alan Watts, a Zen Buddhist philosopher and ex-Episcopal (Anglican) priest, etc. I've enjoyed it because for once it isn't a debate over idiotic modern questions like evolution or atheism. The smartest philosophers in the world are not Atheists. They aren't generally Christians either. Usually they hold to either Pantheism, a form of Deism, or some kind of Eastern religious tradition.
My favourite philosophy is philosophical theology or religious philosophy. I find it much more intriguing learning about Islam and different Mystic views and then analyzing them by the light of reason, than hacking it out with a 20-something ex-Baptist who is angry at everyone, and thinks Richard Dawkins is the messiah. That's not real philosophy. It's like my fellow Brock students who think they're Buddhists, but don't actually believe that the Dalai Lama is an incarnation of God, don't believe in Karma, and believe in the self, etc.
Comparative religious study is fun. It's like that line in Hamlet "there's more in Heaven and on earth than is dreamt of in our philosophy".
The last fun thing about real philosophy that makes it fun, is that I don't have all the answers (yet). There are many more questions that I come to where the answer I have (St. Thomas Aquinas' answer usually) isn't something I've actually come to know for myself. Living is the thrill of the realist philosopher because life is where the theories of philosophy encounter the testing ground.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Story (7) - A New Home
Karl woke up with a headache. The light was way too bright, and he still smelled, not having showered in a while. What the hell had he got himself into? Slowly things started to click. He was in Virginia, he was in the process of shaping a life around a computer game. His new friends were possibly the weirdest people he'd ever met. Gord, a middle-aged ex-military carpenter. Ben and his mom, 2 random Jews living in the Old South. Strangest of all were the 2 Asians, one which didn't even speak english.
He decided to check his emails. Overwhelming fear. There was an email from his boss. The email explained that he had been fired (Karl remembered he had put his address on his resume).
Breakfast was interesting. Dewey and the Asian girl were up and looked like they could've been going into a job interview. Suits and propriety. Karl's stereotypes of Asians were definately being reinforced by this experience. It was the three of them. No one knew where everyone else was, Gord's truck was gone. Trying to make things less odd, Karl tried to strike up a conversation with the serious businessman sitting across from him.
Apparently they were both from Vietnam and had worked in Japan for Sony. They were contacted by Ben through a forum. (how else do gamers communicate?) D thought that it would take less than a week for them to get things up and running.
Karl asked some questions about Vietnam and let them know that he was from Canada and thus didn't take part in the "war of American aggression" as they called it (or so he'd read on Wikipedia the night before).
More interesting news: the girl was something van something, which meant she was the French Catholic minority in the country, many of them left after the war, hence the Japan thing. It was all starting to make more sense now. Karl tried a bit of his high school French. It worked. She began speaking way too fast for him, using a very different accent. "je n'ai pas vite avec ce langue, je suis tres ugh.. ma francais est terrible" she got the general message. Her face turned back to the cereal, clearly disappointed.
Karl decided to have a shower after breakfast, it was akward being in someone's house who he barely knew, eating their food and using their bathroom. It was like a strange version of Goldilocks.
While Karl was getting out of the shower the door opened a bit. It was Ben telling him that they were back from somewhere Karl hadn't heard of and had bought groceries and some electronic stuff. Not knowing what to do really, Karl just said 'great' and was shocked at both the etiquette and the excitement of this kid. He really wanted to get this game up and running. Hosting them was like a game to Ben, all of his dreams had come true, without any of the crap beforehand that most of them had endured before making the decision to come States-side.
As Karl walked into the living room he was greeted by Anna (ben's mom) and was surprised to see and hear another guild member. Ben was on skype talking to their Scottish off-tank. She was as amazed as everyone else seemed to be that this was really happening.
Gord was calling from the yard for Karl to come out and help him.
*** 1 hour later ***
While Ben and Dewey were trying to set up the server, with the occassional help of Van (which Karl now called the Asian girl, as he hadn't been able to ask her name) who seemed to drift between the two camps.
Anna, Karl, and Gord were outside in jeans and fitted with leather gardening gloves. Gord was giving them all the battle plan as they attempted to clear out the barn. Karl was glad to have something concrete to do. People might think he was lazy for being fired and skipping work, but really it was meaningful work he sought. In this case, there was a clear goal in mind.
They went to work fairly quickly, and were making good time. The place had been useless for a long time, and Anna was glad to have it cleaned up. The thing Karl loved about the work was that they were doing it the easy-stupid way. Instead of slow and careful planning, they just shop-vacced the floor, put a giant cheap carpet on the floor, and begun placing bunk-beds inside. The place had electricity and by night time, they had beds, a freezer, a table with their laptops, and of course, an important selection of posters up inside. It was the coolest fusion of dorm-room, camp cabin, and internet cafe that Karl had ever been in. They had a digital project to watch movies on the wall, an old tv and some consoles Gord had brought, as well as various other utilitarian features. To most adults, or to the cast of those designer make-over shows, this place was an utter failure.
It was a scene that didn't belong. A somewhat ugly rag-tag room, with occupants to match. They didn't care, Karl enjoyed not belonging together with these people.
The final touches were put in place when the guild assembled inside and decided on a name (Dewey translated for Van, who was in quite good spirits as well). In the end, they had quite a selection of possibilities, ranging from the boring HQ and Base Camp, to the nerdier "New Norrath" (The name of the land in Everquest) and "East Virginia Common Lands" (East Commonlands is a popular EQ hangout). Finally, they agreed on a Tolkien reference: New Valinor.
After attempting to make popcorn on the wood stove in the barn and failing miserably, they used a microwave. Very appropriately, for the first night in their new home, they watched Lord of the Rings (with French subtitles for Van).
Karl kept having the same feeling over and over again. Disbelief. What a peculiar place he had arrived at. If it had been any other day, he would've just gone home, but now, less than a week since that fateful missed day, and Karl had found a new home. It was all too much to keep thinking about, and he eventually drifted off to sleep.
He decided to check his emails. Overwhelming fear. There was an email from his boss. The email explained that he had been fired (Karl remembered he had put his address on his resume).
Breakfast was interesting. Dewey and the Asian girl were up and looked like they could've been going into a job interview. Suits and propriety. Karl's stereotypes of Asians were definately being reinforced by this experience. It was the three of them. No one knew where everyone else was, Gord's truck was gone. Trying to make things less odd, Karl tried to strike up a conversation with the serious businessman sitting across from him.
Apparently they were both from Vietnam and had worked in Japan for Sony. They were contacted by Ben through a forum. (how else do gamers communicate?) D thought that it would take less than a week for them to get things up and running.
Karl asked some questions about Vietnam and let them know that he was from Canada and thus didn't take part in the "war of American aggression" as they called it (or so he'd read on Wikipedia the night before).
More interesting news: the girl was something van something, which meant she was the French Catholic minority in the country, many of them left after the war, hence the Japan thing. It was all starting to make more sense now. Karl tried a bit of his high school French. It worked. She began speaking way too fast for him, using a very different accent. "je n'ai pas vite avec ce langue, je suis tres ugh.. ma francais est terrible" she got the general message. Her face turned back to the cereal, clearly disappointed.
Karl decided to have a shower after breakfast, it was akward being in someone's house who he barely knew, eating their food and using their bathroom. It was like a strange version of Goldilocks.
While Karl was getting out of the shower the door opened a bit. It was Ben telling him that they were back from somewhere Karl hadn't heard of and had bought groceries and some electronic stuff. Not knowing what to do really, Karl just said 'great' and was shocked at both the etiquette and the excitement of this kid. He really wanted to get this game up and running. Hosting them was like a game to Ben, all of his dreams had come true, without any of the crap beforehand that most of them had endured before making the decision to come States-side.
As Karl walked into the living room he was greeted by Anna (ben's mom) and was surprised to see and hear another guild member. Ben was on skype talking to their Scottish off-tank. She was as amazed as everyone else seemed to be that this was really happening.
Gord was calling from the yard for Karl to come out and help him.
*** 1 hour later ***
While Ben and Dewey were trying to set up the server, with the occassional help of Van (which Karl now called the Asian girl, as he hadn't been able to ask her name) who seemed to drift between the two camps.
Anna, Karl, and Gord were outside in jeans and fitted with leather gardening gloves. Gord was giving them all the battle plan as they attempted to clear out the barn. Karl was glad to have something concrete to do. People might think he was lazy for being fired and skipping work, but really it was meaningful work he sought. In this case, there was a clear goal in mind.
They went to work fairly quickly, and were making good time. The place had been useless for a long time, and Anna was glad to have it cleaned up. The thing Karl loved about the work was that they were doing it the easy-stupid way. Instead of slow and careful planning, they just shop-vacced the floor, put a giant cheap carpet on the floor, and begun placing bunk-beds inside. The place had electricity and by night time, they had beds, a freezer, a table with their laptops, and of course, an important selection of posters up inside. It was the coolest fusion of dorm-room, camp cabin, and internet cafe that Karl had ever been in. They had a digital project to watch movies on the wall, an old tv and some consoles Gord had brought, as well as various other utilitarian features. To most adults, or to the cast of those designer make-over shows, this place was an utter failure.
It was a scene that didn't belong. A somewhat ugly rag-tag room, with occupants to match. They didn't care, Karl enjoyed not belonging together with these people.
The final touches were put in place when the guild assembled inside and decided on a name (Dewey translated for Van, who was in quite good spirits as well). In the end, they had quite a selection of possibilities, ranging from the boring HQ and Base Camp, to the nerdier "New Norrath" (The name of the land in Everquest) and "East Virginia Common Lands" (East Commonlands is a popular EQ hangout). Finally, they agreed on a Tolkien reference: New Valinor.
After attempting to make popcorn on the wood stove in the barn and failing miserably, they used a microwave. Very appropriately, for the first night in their new home, they watched Lord of the Rings (with French subtitles for Van).
Karl kept having the same feeling over and over again. Disbelief. What a peculiar place he had arrived at. If it had been any other day, he would've just gone home, but now, less than a week since that fateful missed day, and Karl had found a new home. It was all too much to keep thinking about, and he eventually drifted off to sleep.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Story (6) - Contact
After the door opened and Karl began hearing their voices things were much better. He found out that his host Zee's real name was Ben. Everyone also began calling him Karl, which was close enough to his avatar (Kast) that it proved easy to remember.
Ben lived in what Karl would've described as Jewtopia. The inside of the outwardly run-down home was immaculate. Clean carpets, giant landscape pictures of Jerusalem and scenes from all over Israel, a minora, and a nice selection of books on Yiddish, to Zen-Judaism to Israeli history to books with Hebrew titles. As for Ben himself, he was perfectly average, brown curly hair, glasses, probably 17-18, and a Ramones t-shirt. Ben was the most normal of the crowd though, and wasn't alone in this Hebrew home, three others had already arrived.
The second person whose hand Karl shook was that of Gord, 'Corporal Gordon James'. Looking at him Karl didn't think he belonged in the scene, but after a little while, Karl began to imagine that there never was a place on Earth where Gord would seem to fit in. Immediately he recognized the voice of the group's Ogre Shaman, always very easily excitable and optimistic, but Karl probably imagined he was a 20-something who lived in his parents basement like most of his other online friends. On the contrary, Gord was a unique character. He found out that day over their initial ice-breaking group beers that Gord had been a soldier specializing in communications during Desert Storm. Though the closest he actually came to the action was when a bomb went off beside the office he was working in. He was the first to call in the medical team and secured the area - which is where he got his rank of Corporal. Karl thought it was kind of silly that he took so much pride in such an arbitrary event, but realized he shouldn't say anything. More interesting than this pseudo-glory story, Karl found what Gord left out to be more informative. It seems that after Gord saw the civilian who died from the bomb on the road and did his duty that day, he requested to leave and received an honorable discharge. Since then he had worked in renovations with some friends of his fathers, all the while becoming more and more addicted to EQ - like the rest of them. Gord hardly looked like a 'war hero' at 6 feet, 40 years of age, and some 300 pounds, he looked more like an out of shape, balding, ex-professional wrestler. Aside from this seemingly adult exterior and life, there was something child-like in his excitement and talk about anything from the most trivial aspects of 'the game' to boring details on how long it took him to drive to Fredericksburg from Ohio.
The two other people were Asian and very quiet. When they didn't say anything beyond 'hi' Karl wondered if there was issues. As it turns out, they weren't members of the guild and when Ben looked at them it he appeared to be quite pleased with himself. The girl was probably 20ish and the boy looked like he was 18. Ben explained that they worked for Sony in Japan and had since been fired from their jobs as GMs and game programmers. They saw our guild's messageboard online and that we were planning on starting a new server, and they thought that they could possibly rebuild some form of the game with their knowledge and maybe make some money charging the other near-suicidal EQ addicts who had been desperate for any return to Norrath possible.
While Ben seemed to think this was perfect and that it would save him alot of time programming, Karl felt uneasy about it (as did Gord), there just seemed something wrong with the guy. There was no way, Karl thought, that he could have been a GM, he was still a kid.
Aside from the awkward vibe that "Duong" gave him (Karl desperately held back laughter after hearing his name, and Ben suggested they just call him Dewey), there was a much more real problem they had to deal with. Dewey spoke a bit of broken English, but the girl spoke none. She sat very quietly on the couch drinking some tea and looking suspiciously from one face to the next.
It all seemed very odd to Karl. It wasn't like he expected. So far, no work had gone into rebuilding the game, as Ben had his SATs to write and very little time as it was approaching the end of the school year. Gord had been staying in his truck like Karl and been planning a way to turn Ben's barn into 'HQ' (headquarters) for them. This all seemed much more normal and easier to understand than the Asian couple sitting together speaking in a hushed language as Dewey probably informed her of who the newcomer was.
There were so many questions left, but Karl felt peaceful as they sat down for dinner that Anna had made them. He wondered what Ben's (fairly young) Mom thought about all these weird visitors. Obviously she was ok with it, and she seemed to enjoy cooking for them and cleaning. Anna seemed very interested in Karl and asked him questions all about himself and his family. She even talked to him about Spinoza a bit, after finding out he himself was a budding philosophe. Apparently she was a writer of some sort, and her husband had been a photographer from Israel. Once she had referred to her husband using the perfect tense Karl realized he must have died and began imagining all the middle eastern violence he'd seen on TV (only to find out later that it was a car accident).
As the 4 north americans chatted away and the 2 asians sat silently (at least they were smiling now) Karl was in for the last surprise of the day. Before they got up from Dinner, Anna raised her hands and extended them towards Ben and Gord on either side of her. Ben took one and after much hesitation Gord took the other. Eventually they were all holding hands, and Anna closed her eyes and said a prayer. It seemed fairly normal to Karl, excepting the few references to 'Adonai' and 'Shalom' for the strangers at the table. When they finished Karl out of instinct crossed himself as did the asian girl. Karl, ever the Canadian, worried that he might've often Anna and Ben, but they didn't seem bothered or even to notice at all. But intrigued by this connection both Karl and the girl now were staring at each other in wonder. It was as if suddenly they had discovered they were long lost relatives, that indeed they might've spoken the same language after all, in at least some way.
***
Gord lit a cigar outside as he and Karl sat on lawnchairs and looked at the stars. After a few minutes Ben's vicious dalmation stopped barking long enough for Gord and Karl to have a great chat about Winston Churchill, and then a long and serious discussion about how long it would be till they could log on again. Gord had some great plans for the barn, and indeed had already bought a bunch of supplies for the job. They agreed to join financial forces (Karl was oddly glad that Gord didn't have much more than he did) and Anna said if they fixed up the old barn, they could stay there as long as they wanted.
Once again as night set in, Karl crawled into his truck and turned on some music on his laptop. As Schubert played him to sleep Karl decidedly put out of his mind all the strange people he had met in the day and all the strange things he'd learned. Eventually he drifted off to sleep.
Ben lived in what Karl would've described as Jewtopia. The inside of the outwardly run-down home was immaculate. Clean carpets, giant landscape pictures of Jerusalem and scenes from all over Israel, a minora, and a nice selection of books on Yiddish, to Zen-Judaism to Israeli history to books with Hebrew titles. As for Ben himself, he was perfectly average, brown curly hair, glasses, probably 17-18, and a Ramones t-shirt. Ben was the most normal of the crowd though, and wasn't alone in this Hebrew home, three others had already arrived.
The second person whose hand Karl shook was that of Gord, 'Corporal Gordon James'. Looking at him Karl didn't think he belonged in the scene, but after a little while, Karl began to imagine that there never was a place on Earth where Gord would seem to fit in. Immediately he recognized the voice of the group's Ogre Shaman, always very easily excitable and optimistic, but Karl probably imagined he was a 20-something who lived in his parents basement like most of his other online friends. On the contrary, Gord was a unique character. He found out that day over their initial ice-breaking group beers that Gord had been a soldier specializing in communications during Desert Storm. Though the closest he actually came to the action was when a bomb went off beside the office he was working in. He was the first to call in the medical team and secured the area - which is where he got his rank of Corporal. Karl thought it was kind of silly that he took so much pride in such an arbitrary event, but realized he shouldn't say anything. More interesting than this pseudo-glory story, Karl found what Gord left out to be more informative. It seems that after Gord saw the civilian who died from the bomb on the road and did his duty that day, he requested to leave and received an honorable discharge. Since then he had worked in renovations with some friends of his fathers, all the while becoming more and more addicted to EQ - like the rest of them. Gord hardly looked like a 'war hero' at 6 feet, 40 years of age, and some 300 pounds, he looked more like an out of shape, balding, ex-professional wrestler. Aside from this seemingly adult exterior and life, there was something child-like in his excitement and talk about anything from the most trivial aspects of 'the game' to boring details on how long it took him to drive to Fredericksburg from Ohio.
The two other people were Asian and very quiet. When they didn't say anything beyond 'hi' Karl wondered if there was issues. As it turns out, they weren't members of the guild and when Ben looked at them it he appeared to be quite pleased with himself. The girl was probably 20ish and the boy looked like he was 18. Ben explained that they worked for Sony in Japan and had since been fired from their jobs as GMs and game programmers. They saw our guild's messageboard online and that we were planning on starting a new server, and they thought that they could possibly rebuild some form of the game with their knowledge and maybe make some money charging the other near-suicidal EQ addicts who had been desperate for any return to Norrath possible.
While Ben seemed to think this was perfect and that it would save him alot of time programming, Karl felt uneasy about it (as did Gord), there just seemed something wrong with the guy. There was no way, Karl thought, that he could have been a GM, he was still a kid.
Aside from the awkward vibe that "Duong" gave him (Karl desperately held back laughter after hearing his name, and Ben suggested they just call him Dewey), there was a much more real problem they had to deal with. Dewey spoke a bit of broken English, but the girl spoke none. She sat very quietly on the couch drinking some tea and looking suspiciously from one face to the next.
It all seemed very odd to Karl. It wasn't like he expected. So far, no work had gone into rebuilding the game, as Ben had his SATs to write and very little time as it was approaching the end of the school year. Gord had been staying in his truck like Karl and been planning a way to turn Ben's barn into 'HQ' (headquarters) for them. This all seemed much more normal and easier to understand than the Asian couple sitting together speaking in a hushed language as Dewey probably informed her of who the newcomer was.
There were so many questions left, but Karl felt peaceful as they sat down for dinner that Anna had made them. He wondered what Ben's (fairly young) Mom thought about all these weird visitors. Obviously she was ok with it, and she seemed to enjoy cooking for them and cleaning. Anna seemed very interested in Karl and asked him questions all about himself and his family. She even talked to him about Spinoza a bit, after finding out he himself was a budding philosophe. Apparently she was a writer of some sort, and her husband had been a photographer from Israel. Once she had referred to her husband using the perfect tense Karl realized he must have died and began imagining all the middle eastern violence he'd seen on TV (only to find out later that it was a car accident).
As the 4 north americans chatted away and the 2 asians sat silently (at least they were smiling now) Karl was in for the last surprise of the day. Before they got up from Dinner, Anna raised her hands and extended them towards Ben and Gord on either side of her. Ben took one and after much hesitation Gord took the other. Eventually they were all holding hands, and Anna closed her eyes and said a prayer. It seemed fairly normal to Karl, excepting the few references to 'Adonai' and 'Shalom' for the strangers at the table. When they finished Karl out of instinct crossed himself as did the asian girl. Karl, ever the Canadian, worried that he might've often Anna and Ben, but they didn't seem bothered or even to notice at all. But intrigued by this connection both Karl and the girl now were staring at each other in wonder. It was as if suddenly they had discovered they were long lost relatives, that indeed they might've spoken the same language after all, in at least some way.
***
Gord lit a cigar outside as he and Karl sat on lawnchairs and looked at the stars. After a few minutes Ben's vicious dalmation stopped barking long enough for Gord and Karl to have a great chat about Winston Churchill, and then a long and serious discussion about how long it would be till they could log on again. Gord had some great plans for the barn, and indeed had already bought a bunch of supplies for the job. They agreed to join financial forces (Karl was oddly glad that Gord didn't have much more than he did) and Anna said if they fixed up the old barn, they could stay there as long as they wanted.
Once again as night set in, Karl crawled into his truck and turned on some music on his laptop. As Schubert played him to sleep Karl decidedly put out of his mind all the strange people he had met in the day and all the strange things he'd learned. Eventually he drifted off to sleep.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Inability to Cope
We interrupt the crappy stories I've been writing for a real blog. In the words of my friend Jenn: 'shit just got real'.
2 days ago I was overcome by this.... mood?/spirit?/feeling? I don't know what it is. It's like fear, but it isn't the same as fear. Maybe it's just depression again. Anyway, there's like 3 different things causing it and they'll just be boring details to anyone but me.
But I just thought it'd be hillarious/interesting to analyze my reaction to it, it'll be an interesting test of human nature/my nature.
When I began to get this - let's just say 'fear' (even though it's a little inaccurate) - my first reaction was to pray. Then nothing happened, so I tried porn, etc. nothing happened, so then I tried eating, nothing happened. Then I tried some legitimate stuff like exercise and homework, etc and that helped a little. But then all of it got alot worse and so I just started watching every episode of Top Gear and every movie my friend gave me on a burnt dvd. I tried going to Mass and praying more but everyone just wanted me to be optimistic. (I hate contrary advice. My old psychotherapist said that if I'm having a bad day I should just tell people 'I'm having a bad day'. But people don't get Stoicism like that anymore.) Then when I was at my wit's end I tried to just drive away, but I ended up at home. Then I tried to call my brother Jer, my last hope in the world. But he's out in the bush, so I can't call him. So then I just sat on the couch, unable to move or study anymore, blankly staring at the tv screen.
So this morning I resolved to face all of my problems head on. That lasted for about 34 seconds. So I just watched Fast and the Furious (all the Top Gear has put me in car mode), and I'm wearing my Rosary today, I don't care what people say. And I am kind of shaky. I just want to become a monk or a priest in like Arizona or Tokyo or something, and have to be around people I don't know and don't understand. Then no one will bother me. I want like an item list of things I have to do, and I want it to never be longer than 10 things. Like: clean room, walk to chapel, say mass, hear confessions, eat breakfast, go for a long walk, learn a bit of (insert language), eat dinner, teach someone something maybe?, go to bed. A very simple life, a contemplative life.
I want to get rid of everything. I don't want to be where people know me. No one will be able to say: 'that's just crazy ol' Andrew'. I want the food to taste bad and the bed to be uncomfortable. I want to have many moments a day when I meet Hispanic or Asian people or pseudo-criminal people whom I don't understand and can't relate to, and then try to grow as a person until I can reach deep enough into human experience to relate to them. I'm fucking crazy. I don't know. bleh.
...
the worst part is I know - come friday - I'll have all the assignments done (probably just barely pass some of them) and they'll be a new manifestation of these same problems. It's all a cycle, it's all a rut, I'm like a train set on tracks and I know where they're headed and all I can think of is how kick-ass it would be to have freedom like a car...
once again I find myself just trying to survive, just trying to get through today, and hoping. Hope is all I seem to ever have. If I run out of that, I'm scared to think of what will happen.
2 days ago I was overcome by this.... mood?/spirit?/feeling? I don't know what it is. It's like fear, but it isn't the same as fear. Maybe it's just depression again. Anyway, there's like 3 different things causing it and they'll just be boring details to anyone but me.
But I just thought it'd be hillarious/interesting to analyze my reaction to it, it'll be an interesting test of human nature/my nature.
When I began to get this - let's just say 'fear' (even though it's a little inaccurate) - my first reaction was to pray. Then nothing happened, so I tried porn, etc. nothing happened, so then I tried eating, nothing happened. Then I tried some legitimate stuff like exercise and homework, etc and that helped a little. But then all of it got alot worse and so I just started watching every episode of Top Gear and every movie my friend gave me on a burnt dvd. I tried going to Mass and praying more but everyone just wanted me to be optimistic. (I hate contrary advice. My old psychotherapist said that if I'm having a bad day I should just tell people 'I'm having a bad day'. But people don't get Stoicism like that anymore.) Then when I was at my wit's end I tried to just drive away, but I ended up at home. Then I tried to call my brother Jer, my last hope in the world. But he's out in the bush, so I can't call him. So then I just sat on the couch, unable to move or study anymore, blankly staring at the tv screen.
So this morning I resolved to face all of my problems head on. That lasted for about 34 seconds. So I just watched Fast and the Furious (all the Top Gear has put me in car mode), and I'm wearing my Rosary today, I don't care what people say. And I am kind of shaky. I just want to become a monk or a priest in like Arizona or Tokyo or something, and have to be around people I don't know and don't understand. Then no one will bother me. I want like an item list of things I have to do, and I want it to never be longer than 10 things. Like: clean room, walk to chapel, say mass, hear confessions, eat breakfast, go for a long walk, learn a bit of (insert language), eat dinner, teach someone something maybe?, go to bed. A very simple life, a contemplative life.
I want to get rid of everything. I don't want to be where people know me. No one will be able to say: 'that's just crazy ol' Andrew'. I want the food to taste bad and the bed to be uncomfortable. I want to have many moments a day when I meet Hispanic or Asian people or pseudo-criminal people whom I don't understand and can't relate to, and then try to grow as a person until I can reach deep enough into human experience to relate to them. I'm fucking crazy. I don't know. bleh.
...
the worst part is I know - come friday - I'll have all the assignments done (probably just barely pass some of them) and they'll be a new manifestation of these same problems. It's all a cycle, it's all a rut, I'm like a train set on tracks and I know where they're headed and all I can think of is how kick-ass it would be to have freedom like a car...
once again I find myself just trying to survive, just trying to get through today, and hoping. Hope is all I seem to ever have. If I run out of that, I'm scared to think of what will happen.
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