Ocarinas, Lullabies, and Nirvana

I'm pretty nervous about my G test but in 11 hours it will be over. Something that has helped me relax though is investigating about Ocarinas - which are like little flutes. Zelda got me thinkin' about them. I found an Ocarinist on YouTube who is pretty amazing -He's a Christian too, you can tell from his shirts and what he says about the hymns he plays. Anyway this song brings me alot of peace, I've always loved lullabies. It's Zelda's Lullaby: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CyPlQJQvUC4&feature=related

When I listen to him play the songs it just makes me feel so comfortable like I'm at complete peace. I feel like Nirvana-the eternal destination (or rather lack of destination) - not the band. I was reading about Nirvana the other day which is technically not so much a place as a ceasing of everything and a peace. I was thinking about how I love sleeping and how amazing it would be to just be that peaceful all the time. When I think of Nirvana I think of floating down a river listening to a lullaby on an Ocarina. If the Buddhists and/or Atheists (they're like Buddhist universalists, in that they think everything stops at death - so everyone 'goes to' Nirvana) are right then I guess it wouldn't be so bad.

Smile at the oncoming storm

I've been off school for 3 days now. All my time by myself I have wasted, I haven't even done the stuff I planned on doing. I don't really know what to do. I've spent my pre-exam vacation up now. I guess I'll study. Well I've described my life in horrifying terms before. Most of it is spent anticipating dread or sitting alone waiting for some new dread to anticipate. When I think about how much time I am afraid (I use fear in an equivocal way, sometimes just meaning stress or worry or anxiety or frustration) I realize that my life will never be empty. I was thinking of going over the last things I was afraid of and got through. Hmm. Dentist, Essays, Work (I become very devout on the car-ride to work, for some reason it always makes me afraid).

Tomorrow I have to take my G drivers test. Driving tests for me always go terrific - by terrific I mean they induce alot of terror into my life. They are up there with Dentist and Driving somewhere far away, and airport customs in my list of fears. So I have brewed over all that could go wrong tomorrow, and all the worst things that could happen. Even tonight, I'm just hanging out with an old friend and I'm afraid because I won't know what to say or do.

But if there's anything that I've learned in all of this, it's that actually suffering and fear gives my life meaning. Perpetual loneliness does seem to happen to me, but when I'm doing things I'm afraid of there are ups and downs, unexpected good things happen as well. In short, my life has meaning in those times.

So I look at the oncoming storm of stress - (within 24 hours I'll have failed my drivers test and be worrying for the next one and then worrying about exams.) I just need to look at the storm and smile. Eventually all of this will be washed away by the peace of the grave and I can imagine long slow humming of a familiar song that will sooth me throughout eternity.

Bittersweet Symphony

So tonight my friends and I went to see the Rick Mercer Report taped and it was really hillarious. We had alot of fun and we went out to the Old Spaghetti Factory and rode the go train. It was a nice break after writing 57 pages of essays this semester. We basically just made gay jokes, talked about women, and ate. It was fun. It was much needed.

I was making small talk with the CBC elevator girl (who I thought was attractive and probably my age) but I remember looking around Toronto and thinking there are a ton of people here...If I spent my whole life just trying to get to know each person I would fail at it. That actually gave me some hope in that I realize that there are lots of people in the world and that I will find new friends.

I realized how depressing this blog was and figured I needed to write about something happy. For me though life is an overwhelmingly long and sad process and happiness is those beautiful moments in between when everything seems ok. I was driving home listening to "Bittersweet Symphony" by the Verve and that was really good, I had my hand out of my window and just felt the night air and heard "It's a bittersweet symphony that's life". Very true.

Lost Friend

I've had to say goodbye to Old Friends alot. England was terrible for that, constantly saying goodbye to people I loved immensely. I don't miss that part at all (plus I still kind of live it). ....this is going to sound so gay.... oh well, maybe it will garner some attention then....Today I went through my facebook friends and I found a guy I'd been friends with in Grade School. We had a ton of fun. He was one of those people that you just really want to be around and try really hard to impress or just hang out with as much as possible. We went to different high schools though so we never saw each other much after that. And in all honesty if I was as big a dick back then as I am now I can see why most people would happily say goodbye to me.

But man I missed him today. Like if I could do anything tonight it would be just to go to his place and have coffee and talk about life. I really want to catch up and try to restore things. I know it's idiotic as I haven't known the guy for about 6 years. But today I was basking in the infinite sadness of losing a friend. I'll probably never get to know him again, I know tragic things have happened in his life that I wasn't there for. I didn't help him through any of it. I mean I wasn't really obligated as I hadn't seen him in years, but I wish I could have, I should have done something.

I sent him a facebook message today, I've tried it before and he never responded. It figures really. Happens alot to me. If I got a creepily personal message from someone at 4am that I hadn't seen in months or years, I'd be scared too. Actually let me correct that - a normal person would be scared. I would almost cry with joy that someone was thinking of me at 4am.

I have barely enough faith for myself right now but I'm going to pray for him, and maybe in some infinitely small way I could help him. Man if God were really my dad I would just ask him if he could arrange something between us (now I'm really starting to sound Gay).

God I miss that guy, and the worst part is that it seems like nothing could ever fix things. It's not like anything terrible transpired it was just time and distance, but I'm starting to see that a broken friendship is a terrible thing. It's so bad that it almost makes it not worth having friends.

Albert Schweitzer once said "Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory". In some ways I think he is right in that happiness is fleeting and most of life sucks but we just have to move on. Maybe I should just take his advice, I meant he won the Nobel Peace prize....but he was also a Lutheran... damn I wish I was a Lutheran...

3am Movie

I awoke at 3am thinking initially it was much later. My body was awake and I had a terrible taste in my mouth. So I threw on pajamas and walked downstairs to get a glass of orange juice. I felt a little better. I was bored so I poured myself a bowl of cherios and went into the loft. I watched a scene of the movie Falling Down with Michael Douglas. It is a funny / good movie, but I really wasn't in the mood. There's alot of porn on at 3am even on normal channels but it didn't seem right to watch, as in a few hours I'd be standing at the front of a Church ready to be 'accepted' (whatever that means)..

So I turned on the movie American Beauty as it was still near the beginning. I'd never seen it before, I just knew that I wasn't allowed to watch it as a kid because it had nakedness - the most shameful and affronting thing to God known to humankind. But I knew it'd be edited for Tv, so it'd be a good choice.

I figured I'd drift off to sleep as I watched it because it was 3am after all and Kevin Spacey is the most boring guy in the world. But as it turned out I became enthralled with it, and I really started to get into the story. It won oscars for a reason apparently, and really showed a funny glimpse of American life. I feel most like the dad in that movie, I don't know why really, but I think it is his brutal honesty and the fact that he never hurts anyone and is generally a weak character.

I was even shocked by the ending and the whole theme of latent homosexuality in homophobics, and about the fact that life should never be normal. There was a repeated line in the movie, 'the worst thing in the world is to be ordinary'. hmm. I'm not sure I've had enough time to reflect on the philosophy of that statement, so I won't make a judgment call yet.

There was a scene where this loser guy goes to the girl's (who is supposed to be loser-ish but I thought she was really quite attractive) house and says 'if I told you I had to leave tonight would you come with me' and it was amazing how a person's heart stirs at that sort of thing. There is something so absolutely alluring about just running away from all of our problems and going somewhere on a whim. It resonates with the soul.

In any case, I'm still sitting hare at 6:35 in the loft thinking about the movie which was really well done, and thinking about what my life should be like. In world religions we heard a quote from a Rabbi named Josiah who said "When I die, God will not say to me, "Why weren't you Moses?". He will say to me, "Why weren't you, Josiah?"'.

.... (these dot dot dots are here to imply time for reflection)

I thought it was a very poignant lesson which tied in with the movie. It's one of those times that you know is significant even if you can't exactly say why or how.

Lothlorien

I've been reading Lord of the Rings again and I just came to this passage I love:

Merry: "if I had known what the world outside was like, I don't think I should have had the heart to leave it.

Haldir: Not even to see fair Lothlorien? The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with with grief, it grows perhaps the greater. Some there are among us who sing that the Shadow will draw back, and peace shall come again. Yet I do not believe that the world about us will ever again be as it was of old, or the light of the Sun as it was aforetime. For the Elves, I fear, it will prove at best a truce, in which they may pass to the Sea unhindered and leave the Middle-earth for ever. Alas for Lothlorien that I love! It would be a poor life in a land where no mallorn grew. But if there are mallorn-trees beyond the Great Sea, none have reported it."

Peace/Pax/Shalom

Pax Tecum were the words heard and spoke by Catholic Christians throughout the middle ages and all the way until Vatican II in the 60's. Peace be with you. Jews say Shalom, and Muslims say Salaam Allah - the peace of God.

It is an ancient greeting in Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. For the Jews it was tied to Shalom, the concept or blessing to have peace in every area of your life. Peace in your relationships with people, peace with God, and peace with the Earth. Today I felt a few moments of great peace. Life has been very stressful and very up and down. (Just look at the previous post written just over 12 hours ago). I found this video on youtube that makes me feel peaceful. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SP6CGbeX14A - it's a guy playing on bass immaculately, one of my favourite pieces of music (yes it's from Zelda) here's the original: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xCp6ngH_mQ

After a stressful day I like to listen to these songs or classical pieces and close my eyes and just forget everything and be lost in the music. I think that's what I understand Nirvana to be in Buddhism and Moksha in Hinduism. It's just peaceful. I'm glad Jesus said "My peace I give you". Because I need peace and a sense of shalom and pax in my life. I have to work soon, but I'm just taking a little while to relax and have peace.

Pax Tecum Mii Amicum - Peace be with you my friends.