Only In Dreams

I woke up this morning and was so angry, I had been having the best dream of my life and I thought it had come true. 2 guys who had been my best friends but are now far away had somehow ended up at my university and we all had classes together and some girl was randomly being nice to me in the hall outside history class and asked me out (that should've given it away as a dream). And the four of us (2 friends, me and mystery girl -who's name I couldn't remember) all decided to go somewhere fun and then the dream ended. It's always so pathetic to explain dreams, sometimes my friends will tell me a story from their dreams and I will just get really confused and bored out of my mind. I think dreams must be like some kind of mythological thing that only the person they are revealed to will understand them. Once God actually spoke to me through a dream, that was cool. Wow... I miss those days. Anyway, this probably sounds like nonsense, but then I began thinking about all of this and figured I should re-read the lyrics to "Only in dreams" because Weezer is apparently the soundtrack of my life.

You can't resist her.
She's in your bones.
She is your marrow
And your ride home.

You can't avoid her.
She's in the air... in the air
In between molecules of
Oxygen and Carbon Dioxide.

Only in dreams
We see what it means.
Reach out our hands.
Hold onto hers.
But when we wake
It's all been erased.
And so it seems
Only in dreams.

You walk up to her.
Ask her to dance.
She says, "Hey, baby, I just might take the chance."
You say, "It's a good thing
That you float in the air... in the air.
That way there's no way I will crush your pretty toenails into a thousand pieces."

Only in dreams
We see what it means.
Reach out our hands.
Hold onto hers.
But when we wake
It's all been erased.
And so it seems
Only in dreams.

Ya it's a good song, I don't get the whole crushing toenails thing...Rivers is pretty screwed up, marrying Chinese women and locking himself in closets...it's not normal. (I say as I recall locking myself in a closet this week in order to finish Aristotle).

But the Bass riff for the song is cool. I'm going to go play it now on the Bass I stole from Dan's brother/the one Dan lent me.

No exams till Tuesday, Life is GOOD!!!!!

Good Times this Week

Three really good things that happened this week.

1. Breakfast with Dad: Tuesday morning I got up at 6:30 so I could practice for my driving test and I was by Dad's shop so I stopped by and he took me out to Timmies for breakfast.. It was nice.

2. Tuesday Evening-Wednesday : I passed my driver's test and went to go see James Bond: Quantum of Solace with Andrea and got to sleep a bunch and had fun watching L4yer Cake and Lord of War.

3. Family Guy clip - Stewie: "I'll be almost as cool as the cheeto guy" *Chester Cheeto Cat guy listening to 'Tom Sawyer' by Rush and cutting up cheetos with a razor blade and then does a line of it. Then he screams 'there is no better drummer than Neil Peart!!!' and smashes his hand on a glass.

VICTORY!!!!

I passed my G test -just barely - and now I don't have to take a drivers test for another 60 years.

In celebration I have posted this kick ass video which was the coolest song of 1980 ...if the category was songs in 1980 filmed in a bank...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RNJYHD3gjXo

I was right, bad things do give meaning to my life, I'm very happy right now. There will be the impending crash, but right now I'm good.

Ocarinas, Lullabies, and Nirvana

I'm pretty nervous about my G test but in 11 hours it will be over. Something that has helped me relax though is investigating about Ocarinas - which are like little flutes. Zelda got me thinkin' about them. I found an Ocarinist on YouTube who is pretty amazing -He's a Christian too, you can tell from his shirts and what he says about the hymns he plays. Anyway this song brings me alot of peace, I've always loved lullabies. It's Zelda's Lullaby: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CyPlQJQvUC4&feature=related

When I listen to him play the songs it just makes me feel so comfortable like I'm at complete peace. I feel like Nirvana-the eternal destination (or rather lack of destination) - not the band. I was reading about Nirvana the other day which is technically not so much a place as a ceasing of everything and a peace. I was thinking about how I love sleeping and how amazing it would be to just be that peaceful all the time. When I think of Nirvana I think of floating down a river listening to a lullaby on an Ocarina. If the Buddhists and/or Atheists (they're like Buddhist universalists, in that they think everything stops at death - so everyone 'goes to' Nirvana) are right then I guess it wouldn't be so bad.

Smile at the oncoming storm

I've been off school for 3 days now. All my time by myself I have wasted, I haven't even done the stuff I planned on doing. I don't really know what to do. I've spent my pre-exam vacation up now. I guess I'll study. Well I've described my life in horrifying terms before. Most of it is spent anticipating dread or sitting alone waiting for some new dread to anticipate. When I think about how much time I am afraid (I use fear in an equivocal way, sometimes just meaning stress or worry or anxiety or frustration) I realize that my life will never be empty. I was thinking of going over the last things I was afraid of and got through. Hmm. Dentist, Essays, Work (I become very devout on the car-ride to work, for some reason it always makes me afraid).

Tomorrow I have to take my G drivers test. Driving tests for me always go terrific - by terrific I mean they induce alot of terror into my life. They are up there with Dentist and Driving somewhere far away, and airport customs in my list of fears. So I have brewed over all that could go wrong tomorrow, and all the worst things that could happen. Even tonight, I'm just hanging out with an old friend and I'm afraid because I won't know what to say or do.

But if there's anything that I've learned in all of this, it's that actually suffering and fear gives my life meaning. Perpetual loneliness does seem to happen to me, but when I'm doing things I'm afraid of there are ups and downs, unexpected good things happen as well. In short, my life has meaning in those times.

So I look at the oncoming storm of stress - (within 24 hours I'll have failed my drivers test and be worrying for the next one and then worrying about exams.) I just need to look at the storm and smile. Eventually all of this will be washed away by the peace of the grave and I can imagine long slow humming of a familiar song that will sooth me throughout eternity.

Bittersweet Symphony

So tonight my friends and I went to see the Rick Mercer Report taped and it was really hillarious. We had alot of fun and we went out to the Old Spaghetti Factory and rode the go train. It was a nice break after writing 57 pages of essays this semester. We basically just made gay jokes, talked about women, and ate. It was fun. It was much needed.

I was making small talk with the CBC elevator girl (who I thought was attractive and probably my age) but I remember looking around Toronto and thinking there are a ton of people here...If I spent my whole life just trying to get to know each person I would fail at it. That actually gave me some hope in that I realize that there are lots of people in the world and that I will find new friends.

I realized how depressing this blog was and figured I needed to write about something happy. For me though life is an overwhelmingly long and sad process and happiness is those beautiful moments in between when everything seems ok. I was driving home listening to "Bittersweet Symphony" by the Verve and that was really good, I had my hand out of my window and just felt the night air and heard "It's a bittersweet symphony that's life". Very true.

Lost Friend

I've had to say goodbye to Old Friends alot. England was terrible for that, constantly saying goodbye to people I loved immensely. I don't miss that part at all (plus I still kind of live it). ....this is going to sound so gay.... oh well, maybe it will garner some attention then....Today I went through my facebook friends and I found a guy I'd been friends with in Grade School. We had a ton of fun. He was one of those people that you just really want to be around and try really hard to impress or just hang out with as much as possible. We went to different high schools though so we never saw each other much after that. And in all honesty if I was as big a dick back then as I am now I can see why most people would happily say goodbye to me.

But man I missed him today. Like if I could do anything tonight it would be just to go to his place and have coffee and talk about life. I really want to catch up and try to restore things. I know it's idiotic as I haven't known the guy for about 6 years. But today I was basking in the infinite sadness of losing a friend. I'll probably never get to know him again, I know tragic things have happened in his life that I wasn't there for. I didn't help him through any of it. I mean I wasn't really obligated as I hadn't seen him in years, but I wish I could have, I should have done something.

I sent him a facebook message today, I've tried it before and he never responded. It figures really. Happens alot to me. If I got a creepily personal message from someone at 4am that I hadn't seen in months or years, I'd be scared too. Actually let me correct that - a normal person would be scared. I would almost cry with joy that someone was thinking of me at 4am.

I have barely enough faith for myself right now but I'm going to pray for him, and maybe in some infinitely small way I could help him. Man if God were really my dad I would just ask him if he could arrange something between us (now I'm really starting to sound Gay).

God I miss that guy, and the worst part is that it seems like nothing could ever fix things. It's not like anything terrible transpired it was just time and distance, but I'm starting to see that a broken friendship is a terrible thing. It's so bad that it almost makes it not worth having friends.

Albert Schweitzer once said "Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory". In some ways I think he is right in that happiness is fleeting and most of life sucks but we just have to move on. Maybe I should just take his advice, I meant he won the Nobel Peace prize....but he was also a Lutheran... damn I wish I was a Lutheran...