abnormal

I am very abnormal. I was offered a job for more money at a better place for more hours today, but I really don't want to take it. Why? who on earth would want to work at Sobeys. ... I guess, me, would be the answer. I am afraid of almost everything, and I dislike change. I just try to exist with as little struggle as possible. I hate work, and the reason I hate it is because it's unpredictable. But now Sobeys is predictable and I want to stay there. I am comfortable, and I have enough money, and I have some friends there. But the person who offered me the job is going to be pissed.

Today was one of those days that, if suicide wasn't a mortal sin, I would totally drive my car into the lake or jump off Brock tower or something. Wow I hate my life right now. What an ungrateful bastard I am.

I'm Not Sick But I'm Not Well

I actually found a song with meaningful lyrics and here they are. The song is by Harvey Danger, and the song is called "Flagpole Sitta". I like it because it reminds me of Total Depravity and that inside we really are pretty fucked up. I also think it's interesting about how he sings he's in Hell just in this life. I feel like that all the time. Lots of the lyrics are just stupid punk crap, but some of them are really good.

I had, I was in them
I was looking into the mirror
To see a little bit clearer
The rottenness and evil in me

Fingertips have memories
Mine can't forget the curves of your body
And when I feel a bit naughty
I run it up the flagpole and see who salutes(but no one ever does)

I'm not sick but I'm not well
And I'm so hot cause I'm in hell

Been around the world and found
That only stupid people are breeding
The cretons cloning and feeding
And I don't even own a tv
Put me in the hospital for nerves
And then they had to commit me
You told them all I was crazy
They cut off my legs now I'm an amputee, goddamn you

I'm not sick but I'm not well
And I'm so hot cause i'm in hell
I'm not sick but I'm not well
And it's a sin to live so well

I wanna publish zines
And rage against machines
I wanna pierce my tongue
It doesn't hurt, it feels fine
The trivial sublime

I'd like to turn off time
And kill my mind
You kill my mind

Paranoia paranoia
Everybody's coming to get me
Just say you never met me
Im running under ground with the moles(Diggin big holes)
Hear the voices in my head
I swear to god it sounds like they're snoring
But if you're bored then you're boring
The agony and the irony, they're killing me

I'm not sick but I'm not well
And I'm so hot cause I'm in hell
I'm not sick but I'm not well
And it's a sin to live so well

I love the lyric "and it's a sin to live so well" I feel like that all the time. Last night I was thinking, today 28 000 children starved to death, probably almost a hundred thousand people died, and I'm still alive. How utterly ungrateful. There either is a profoundly important reason we're all alive, each of us, or the world really is going to Hell in a handbasket.

Footballer

I'm watching Football on Tv right now. Not American Football, what you folks would call soccer. Switzerland versus Turkey. 1-0 for the Swiss. There are hundreds of thousands watching this match. The players are probably getting paid millions. They're all decked out in their fancy uniforms playing with so much intensity. Old men are standing on the sidelines screaming advice at them. It's just a game though. No one is being saved by it, no one really helped. Diplomatic relations between Switzerland and Turkey are not being fixed. But still, people like to watch football. It's probably my favourite sport to watch. ... come to think of it, I don't watch sports at all, except football when it's on.

It's good to watch people just play a game. It's not that it has any inherent meaning or virtue in it. I think it's just nice to not think about life for a while. Just to focus on goals completely opposite to those of regular life. Kicking a ball into a net suddenly becomes meaningful when people expect it, when people want to see it, when they cheer for it. Football is essentially an Existentialistic experience. The meaning of it is created by those watching, and for somepeople the goal scored by Switzerland brings great joy, for others it brings despair, and anger. There's not really anything meaningful about the action or really even the results. It just give people meaning.

Maybe the world is kind of like a play, and God's watching it like football.

Helpless

"There is a town in north Ontario,
With dream comfort memory to spare,
And in my mindI still need a place to go,
All my changes were there.

Blue, blue windows behind the stars,
Yellow moon on the rise,
Big birds flying across the sky,
Throwing shadows on our eyes.
Leave us

Helpless, helpless, helpless
Baby can you hear me now?
The chains are locked
and tied across the door,
Baby, sing with me somehow"
by Neil Young

This song is on a dvd called the Last Waltz and he plays it with the band called "The Band". It's amazing. I also remember watching this dvd back in the day with a girl while we did stuff... good times. I like the song though. Helpless is the word that comes to mind when I think northern Ontario.

A New Hope?

I was watching an interview with George Lucas today and he was asked what the 2 sunsets represented in A New Hope. It has always been a powerful scene in my mind, the sweeping and swelling music of John Williams as Luke looks out to the horizon and sees this stunning view. Lucas said that it represented life outside the box, the adventure that one can pursue in the horizon. He says that the characters live in the boring everyday life and look out at the sunset, and when they decide to chase after the adventure, fulfill their destiny they head out towards the sunset in glory and hope or the darkness of space in courage and fear.

I guess this isn’t a revolutionary idea, but today I was trying to figure out which character I was, Luke, or one of his cousins who just sit at home and eventually get turned into burning corpses. In the story it’s only after everything is lost that Luke decides to begin a new life. I wish I had that kind of opportunity at a soul level. I wish that I could head off for the sunset and change completely, but I have a feeling I’d have just called the neighbours and asked if I could live with them.

I’ve also been realizing the immense separation between soul/mind and body, it’s really strange how in our minds we can desire something so much and yet we fail to live out those things. As well, how much social ideas affect our life and actions. For instance if I wanted to head out to New Zealand with Danny and give up on everything here it would be immensely difficult, just because no one does that. I’m expected to fulfill the same roles as all those around me, and to be almost the same with just enough uniqueness to pretend that I am different, pointing at a straw and calling it a hay field. Everyone dreams about it, but no one does it. I guess they dream about the fun parts, not the sleeping in the mud parts.

As well it’s amazing to me how much fear sculpts everything we do. Maybe it’s only at the end of our rope when we realize that we face death and the loss of everything that we can have to courage necessary to act. I am amazed constantly by how much fear shapes everything we do. Fear of failure, fear of everything. I’m afraid.

Fear as you know leads to the dark side, maybe I need to get rid of my fear. I tried doing it near the end of school, and everyone thought I was crazy, I did worse than ever at school, even if I was a lot more at peace.

So ya, if I could actually sell all my stuff and get a plane ticket and go it would be so amazing, I’d be my own hero, but I’m sure after a month I’d be begging to come home and say anything to recant and to try to remake my life from the shambles. But I wish I had the determination to actually set out and live my life, live it the way I want it to look, and be the person I want to be. If instead of just dreaming, I would actually act. That’d be amazing.

I could live my whole life perfectly and struggle to succeed, but I think when I lay on my death bed at 42 from heart disease, I’d have traded all that time from now till then, just for one chance at adventure – as I believe one Scottish Rebel William Wallace said in Braveheart. I think that maybe life would be infinitely more meaningful if I became that person. But I’m pretty sure I won’t. I’ll catch a break, figure out a life, get a job, tell myself it was the right thing. But I think every time I see that sunset I’ll always remember what might have been.

"Work Sucks I Know"

Those lyrics sung by Blink 182 were poignant for today. I got home after helping my mom get groceries and having to already go to work and the phone rang. It was Sobeys. I am now working 5-10. Catastrophe has struck as Aristotle would say, and my felicitous day has turned into a bland service in the life of a proletariat.

Obi Wan Kenobi

" 'When I left you, I was but the learner, now I

am the master.'- Darth Vader
'Only a master of evil, Darth.' -Obi Wan Kenobi"

... OWNED

One of my dear heroes is the late great Jedi Master Obi Wan Kenobi. He was quite a guy, the model for self-sacrifice and a life devoted to virtue. I wish I could be him. I think I hate Luke more now as I write this. At least he could talk to Obi Wan in his head, Obi Wan was like his Jesus. Wouldn't it be awesome if Jesus dressed like Obi Wan? he already has superpowers.... sweet. I'm not trying to be sacreligious, in fact I think if Jesus has a list of favourite movies Star Wars is on it. And Alec Guiness who played Obi Wan in the original series was a convert to Catholicism. So Jesus already likes him.

Obi Wan Kenobi, what a guy, he had some amazing quotes. "That's no moon, it's a space station". "If you strike me down I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine". "My allegiance is to the Republic, to Democracy!". and finally his relativistic philosophizing: "only a Sith deals in absolutes".

I really hope that if I ever get my arm chopped off, or I'm hanging on the bottom of Cloud City, or I'm laying partially unconcious in a snowy planet (Yavin 5) that I could call out to Obi Wan and hear his voice in my head.

I think my life would be exponentially cooler if somehow he appeared to me and trained me in the Force. All these Catholics and their Apparations of Mary, Our Lady of Fatima? if you left it up to me I'd rather have 'Our Jedi Master of a galaxy far far away'. I still can't figure out if Darth Vader killed him, or if he just evaporated, or if he became one with the force.... and whether that counts as a mortal sin or not.

"Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope." - Princess Leia's Prayer to Obi Wan, patron saint of princesses leading rebellions against galactic empire's.