Shadow and The Final Surrender

I've been thinking as I sit here in Latin, learning a language in the dumbest way I could imagine, I feel once again as I did last week and feel utterly tired of this way of life. If you want to teach me a language, teach me about the people, about how they would actually talk, and about their phrases. Teach us what their poets said...

In the movie homeward bound there is a point in the journey where the animals are on their way home to their family. They have crossed the rocky mountains and are crossing these train tracks about 10 minutes away from their house. Right then Shadow the oldest do falls into a pit (I have no idea why there are random pits near traintracks there just are). All the animals around him keep encouraging him and telling him he can make it, and he tries to climb out a few times.

But he can't make it out. He's stuck in the pit. That's when he tells them that he is simply too old and that he can't do it, he lays down to die. That's how I feel. Even if Michael J Fox were shaking me with all of his parkinsons power, I feel like I still would just lay down. There's nothing left. I'm at the stage right now where I've lost the will to everything. I've lost the will to do school, I've lost the will to work and get a new job. I just want to lay down and give up.

In the end it seems that Shadow has made the final surrender. Shadow doesn't know that in 10 minutes he is going to appear on the horizon and everyone will embrace him and he will be with his family. All he knows is that it is Game Over.

All he knows is that he is going to die, alone in a muddy pit grave amonst the wreckage and garbage of an old train yard. That's how I feel.

I know ultimately that Shadow pulls himself together and climbs out of the pit and sees Peter again. I know Psalm 40. But right now, today, I am shadow. I am lying in the pit, I have finally surrendered. May God help me.

Mediocrity

Mediocrity.

1. averageness: a quality that is adequate or acceptable, but not very good His
poetry seldom rises above the level of mediocrity.
2. mediocre person: somebody who lacks any special skill or flair.

Sometimes life feels like it's lived at this level. I've realized that there is an ongoing search for unconditional love. Usually in life if you fail people get over it once you succeed again and get back on your feet. It's easy for someone to forgive you so long as you improve again. But what if you just suck at life. What if all you ever do is fail? Will anyone accept you? I have come to think not.

Even Jesus says in John that 'he who has my commandments and keeps them, it is he who loves me' Even that is conditional. I think I'm just looking for a love that puts up with mediocrity.