Music as a Cure

When I get depressed certain songs help. I've already posted a ton of zelda songs I like listening to, so there's no use in posting more of that.

A song that I've savoured for the last bit is the blue danube waltz by Strauss:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_CTYymbbEL4

One of my favourite games from childhood was called Earthbound for SNES and this is a theme from it that I played on a piano in England all the time. It's a part of the soundtrack of my life:

here's a remix of it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQMsr3fStwE

I feel better already.

All Too inHuman & The Story of a Girl

If you don't feel like reading all this post just skip to the "BUT"

We have our extended family visiting our house this week (all the Mennonite Brethren folks). I used to be able to talk with my uncles and aunts about theology and my future as a preacher. But now that I'm of the 'peculiar Roman Catholick religion' (as Rabbie Burns would've said - ), no one asks me about anything or talks hopefully about my future.

In that same Roman faith there is a philosophy that is popular among the Pontiffs. It's the idea of "the full human person" or "the intrinsic dignity of the human person". It's the idea(l) that everyone who is born has intrinsic worth and value just because they are in existence. It's what Seneca and St. Thomas Aquinas said when they gave us the choice between "Being a beast, or being a human". The modern neo-Darwinian socialist materialist positivist atheism of today seems to treat us like we're beasts rated on our ability to contribute to the world (by us I mean morbidly obese grocery store workers and other valueless people).

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BUT

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Tonight after a long shift at work I was about to walk out as usual without much hope to my house to sit alone in the slanted room (I'm making the story a little melodramatic). But then a girl I work with asked me to help with a recipe and supplies for a meal she was making for her boyfriend, and so we went around getting the groceries and talking and then we drove home (she followed me 'cause we live on the same street, and i drove crazily). I then realized, as I listened to Radiohead and waved goodbye, that I felt like a human being.

Obviously I'm not telling the story to predict a 'deeper' relationship (she's like 5 years younger than me and in a relationship, and I'm just a creepy deli guy). But the reason I wrote it was because it was an example of someone just treating me like a human being, like my opinion was at all important, and that I could contribute something.

Anyway, that's my pathetically boring post you've wasted your time reading. But sometimes I wonder what life would be like to always feel like a human. Gah, all this introspection - blame St. Augustine and his Confessions, he started this Western philosophical phenomenon. Blogs are totally a result of him.

Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness.

^that's an album by Smashing Pumpkins that my brother lent me in high school, but it was too depressing for me so I only listened to it like twice.

The last few weeks have felt like nothing but a long line of people yelling at me, and a long line of of opportunities that I've had completely failed. I feel like an extra in my own life http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Extra_(actor). Or like the villain at least.

In the movie Star Trek, Spock's dad says to him as a child 'you're perfectly capable of determining your own destiny. The question you face is, will you be the hero of your own story' and I sometimes wonder if I'm the hero of my own life, I don't think I am. Maybe if Leonard Cohen wrote my life story I would be (he's an ecentric, depressing author).

I find it interesting how beauty is so fleeting. As Canadian rockers, Our Lady Peace once said immortally, "happiness is a fish you can't catch". That's it! I feel like I'm in an Our Lady Peace Song! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8HcIu1z2OE&feature=fvst ....well at least I've figured that out.

I'm just ranting and complaining again because I have to do something, I feel like life is so infinitely sad that I can't even handle it. I mean, it's just contrasted really. It's infinitely beautiful as well. There are some moments that are so amazing that it makes the darkness around it seem so bad. If life was just constantly sad then we wouldn't even feel sad, we'd just feel normal. The "problem" is that it can be so good.

When everything is good, who has the time to write blogs!? you're too busy enjoying the goodness. I guess life has to be so dramatically up and down, that's a comfort. I bet it's the only way we wouldn't go crazy. I guess some days I just wish to be God then. Not in the power hungry, totalitarian way, just the being at peace with existence way. I'm constantly diseased. DIS EASED, dis-eased, un-ease, dis-ease, Ease meaning comfort, normalcy, etc.

Anyway, right now I miss my gradeschool friends, I hate myself for not keeping in touch with them, I miss my capernwray friends, I hate myself for not keeping in touch with them, and at the same time I don't want to be in touch with anyone, I just want to lay in the grass forever and be at peace, or drift in a boat in the ocean. Solitude can mean peace sometimes. But so can friendship.

I'm Not Sick But I'm Not Well

I actually found a song with meaningful lyrics and here they are. The song is by Harvey Danger, and the song is called "Flagpole Sitta". I like it because it reminds me of Total Depravity and that inside we really are pretty fucked up. I also think it's interesting about how he sings he's in Hell just in this life. I feel like that all the time. Lots of the lyrics are just stupid punk crap, but some of them are really good.

I had, I was in them
I was looking into the mirror
To see a little bit clearer
The rottenness and evil in me

Fingertips have memories
Mine can't forget the curves of your body
And when I feel a bit naughty
I run it up the flagpole and see who salutes(but no one ever does)

I'm not sick but I'm not well
And I'm so hot cause I'm in hell

Been around the world and found
That only stupid people are breeding
The cretons cloning and feeding
And I don't even own a tv
Put me in the hospital for nerves
And then they had to commit me
You told them all I was crazy
They cut off my legs now I'm an amputee, goddamn you

I'm not sick but I'm not well
And I'm so hot cause i'm in hell
I'm not sick but I'm not well
And it's a sin to live so well

I wanna publish zines
And rage against machines
I wanna pierce my tongue
It doesn't hurt, it feels fine
The trivial sublime

I'd like to turn off time
And kill my mind
You kill my mind

Paranoia paranoia
Everybody's coming to get me
Just say you never met me
Im running under ground with the moles(Diggin big holes)
Hear the voices in my head
I swear to god it sounds like they're snoring
But if you're bored then you're boring
The agony and the irony, they're killing me

I'm not sick but I'm not well
And I'm so hot cause I'm in hell
I'm not sick but I'm not well
And it's a sin to live so well

I love the lyric "and it's a sin to live so well" I feel like that all the time. Last night I was thinking, today 28 000 children starved to death, probably almost a hundred thousand people died, and I'm still alive. How utterly ungrateful. There either is a profoundly important reason we're all alive, each of us, or the world really is going to Hell in a handbasket.