Bittersweet Symphony

So tonight my friends and I went to see the Rick Mercer Report taped and it was really hillarious. We had alot of fun and we went out to the Old Spaghetti Factory and rode the go train. It was a nice break after writing 57 pages of essays this semester. We basically just made gay jokes, talked about women, and ate. It was fun. It was much needed.

I was making small talk with the CBC elevator girl (who I thought was attractive and probably my age) but I remember looking around Toronto and thinking there are a ton of people here...If I spent my whole life just trying to get to know each person I would fail at it. That actually gave me some hope in that I realize that there are lots of people in the world and that I will find new friends.

I realized how depressing this blog was and figured I needed to write about something happy. For me though life is an overwhelmingly long and sad process and happiness is those beautiful moments in between when everything seems ok. I was driving home listening to "Bittersweet Symphony" by the Verve and that was really good, I had my hand out of my window and just felt the night air and heard "It's a bittersweet symphony that's life". Very true.

Lost Friend

I've had to say goodbye to Old Friends alot. England was terrible for that, constantly saying goodbye to people I loved immensely. I don't miss that part at all (plus I still kind of live it). ....this is going to sound so gay.... oh well, maybe it will garner some attention then....Today I went through my facebook friends and I found a guy I'd been friends with in Grade School. We had a ton of fun. He was one of those people that you just really want to be around and try really hard to impress or just hang out with as much as possible. We went to different high schools though so we never saw each other much after that. And in all honesty if I was as big a dick back then as I am now I can see why most people would happily say goodbye to me.

But man I missed him today. Like if I could do anything tonight it would be just to go to his place and have coffee and talk about life. I really want to catch up and try to restore things. I know it's idiotic as I haven't known the guy for about 6 years. But today I was basking in the infinite sadness of losing a friend. I'll probably never get to know him again, I know tragic things have happened in his life that I wasn't there for. I didn't help him through any of it. I mean I wasn't really obligated as I hadn't seen him in years, but I wish I could have, I should have done something.

I sent him a facebook message today, I've tried it before and he never responded. It figures really. Happens alot to me. If I got a creepily personal message from someone at 4am that I hadn't seen in months or years, I'd be scared too. Actually let me correct that - a normal person would be scared. I would almost cry with joy that someone was thinking of me at 4am.

I have barely enough faith for myself right now but I'm going to pray for him, and maybe in some infinitely small way I could help him. Man if God were really my dad I would just ask him if he could arrange something between us (now I'm really starting to sound Gay).

God I miss that guy, and the worst part is that it seems like nothing could ever fix things. It's not like anything terrible transpired it was just time and distance, but I'm starting to see that a broken friendship is a terrible thing. It's so bad that it almost makes it not worth having friends.

Albert Schweitzer once said "Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory". In some ways I think he is right in that happiness is fleeting and most of life sucks but we just have to move on. Maybe I should just take his advice, I meant he won the Nobel Peace prize....but he was also a Lutheran... damn I wish I was a Lutheran...

3am Movie

I awoke at 3am thinking initially it was much later. My body was awake and I had a terrible taste in my mouth. So I threw on pajamas and walked downstairs to get a glass of orange juice. I felt a little better. I was bored so I poured myself a bowl of cherios and went into the loft. I watched a scene of the movie Falling Down with Michael Douglas. It is a funny / good movie, but I really wasn't in the mood. There's alot of porn on at 3am even on normal channels but it didn't seem right to watch, as in a few hours I'd be standing at the front of a Church ready to be 'accepted' (whatever that means)..

So I turned on the movie American Beauty as it was still near the beginning. I'd never seen it before, I just knew that I wasn't allowed to watch it as a kid because it had nakedness - the most shameful and affronting thing to God known to humankind. But I knew it'd be edited for Tv, so it'd be a good choice.

I figured I'd drift off to sleep as I watched it because it was 3am after all and Kevin Spacey is the most boring guy in the world. But as it turned out I became enthralled with it, and I really started to get into the story. It won oscars for a reason apparently, and really showed a funny glimpse of American life. I feel most like the dad in that movie, I don't know why really, but I think it is his brutal honesty and the fact that he never hurts anyone and is generally a weak character.

I was even shocked by the ending and the whole theme of latent homosexuality in homophobics, and about the fact that life should never be normal. There was a repeated line in the movie, 'the worst thing in the world is to be ordinary'. hmm. I'm not sure I've had enough time to reflect on the philosophy of that statement, so I won't make a judgment call yet.

There was a scene where this loser guy goes to the girl's (who is supposed to be loser-ish but I thought she was really quite attractive) house and says 'if I told you I had to leave tonight would you come with me' and it was amazing how a person's heart stirs at that sort of thing. There is something so absolutely alluring about just running away from all of our problems and going somewhere on a whim. It resonates with the soul.

In any case, I'm still sitting hare at 6:35 in the loft thinking about the movie which was really well done, and thinking about what my life should be like. In world religions we heard a quote from a Rabbi named Josiah who said "When I die, God will not say to me, "Why weren't you Moses?". He will say to me, "Why weren't you, Josiah?"'.

.... (these dot dot dots are here to imply time for reflection)

I thought it was a very poignant lesson which tied in with the movie. It's one of those times that you know is significant even if you can't exactly say why or how.

Lothlorien

I've been reading Lord of the Rings again and I just came to this passage I love:

Merry: "if I had known what the world outside was like, I don't think I should have had the heart to leave it.

Haldir: Not even to see fair Lothlorien? The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with with grief, it grows perhaps the greater. Some there are among us who sing that the Shadow will draw back, and peace shall come again. Yet I do not believe that the world about us will ever again be as it was of old, or the light of the Sun as it was aforetime. For the Elves, I fear, it will prove at best a truce, in which they may pass to the Sea unhindered and leave the Middle-earth for ever. Alas for Lothlorien that I love! It would be a poor life in a land where no mallorn grew. But if there are mallorn-trees beyond the Great Sea, none have reported it."

Peace/Pax/Shalom

Pax Tecum were the words heard and spoke by Catholic Christians throughout the middle ages and all the way until Vatican II in the 60's. Peace be with you. Jews say Shalom, and Muslims say Salaam Allah - the peace of God.

It is an ancient greeting in Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. For the Jews it was tied to Shalom, the concept or blessing to have peace in every area of your life. Peace in your relationships with people, peace with God, and peace with the Earth. Today I felt a few moments of great peace. Life has been very stressful and very up and down. (Just look at the previous post written just over 12 hours ago). I found this video on youtube that makes me feel peaceful. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SP6CGbeX14A - it's a guy playing on bass immaculately, one of my favourite pieces of music (yes it's from Zelda) here's the original: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xCp6ngH_mQ

After a stressful day I like to listen to these songs or classical pieces and close my eyes and just forget everything and be lost in the music. I think that's what I understand Nirvana to be in Buddhism and Moksha in Hinduism. It's just peaceful. I'm glad Jesus said "My peace I give you". Because I need peace and a sense of shalom and pax in my life. I have to work soon, but I'm just taking a little while to relax and have peace.

Pax Tecum Mii Amicum - Peace be with you my friends.

Terrible

It seems like no power in earth or heaven can fix what is broken inside of me. I don't really understand it anymore. I am so incredibly alone. By the way, if you're alone don't listen to "How To Save A Life" by the Fray...it doesn't help.

I have this deep feeling that life will continue to only find meaning in small struggles and that arbitrarily progressing and writing papers and stressing about driving tests and dentists is the only thing that gives me a purpose at all. I've prayed so much, I prayed most of my shift at work tonight. I feel like someone has died, I feel like my life is a funeral procession. I looked at houses in the newspaper tonight on break at work and realized that I will never own a house, I will never be married, or have children (unless I get really sad and lonely and adopt a kid and ruin his or her life as well).

I have a few options I was thinking over as I've talked to all my Christian friends who seem to be doing ok (by the way in a twist of fate after enduring all of the hatred and deciding to convert, it seems God won't grant me the joy of religion either, I find myself HATING Catholicism.). And all my friends are much more pure than I am, they can read the bible and live it. I can only listen to it and either not enjoy it, live it, or believe it. Damn liberal theologians like Marcus Borg for trying to destroy my faith which was all I had left.

Anyway, once again I find myself sitting in the east wing of Cottrill manor in my bed waiting to fall asleep. As Hamlet once said (quoting from memory) "to die, to sleep, perchance to dream, ay there's the rub, for in that sleep, what dreams may come?"

There is so much wrong with me I have no idea what to do... a friend called me and told me about all of his accomplishments which were encouraging and done in a good spirit, but in the end I just realized that I am not like him. I am reprobate, unregenerate, alone. My greatest wish is to some day sit reading this with my life in order shocked and horrified that I'd ever write such a thing and make it public no less. But it doesn't matter, no one reads it anyway, and even if they do, what do you say to the person who's memorized the answers they've given him for years?

Prayer

I should be writing on my theology blog if it's about God or Religion, but I post on here because I know nobody reads it and I can get out my really personal thoughts.



2 days ago a friend asked me to pray for her on the phone. I don't remember how to pray to God the right way anymore. I don't even know if I believe in prayer. I have all the arguments and logically I can accept it, it's just personally I don't know if I think God even likes me, I've abused our friendship too much. (Now's where protestants will attack me) But I've been praying to the saints alot recently. I mean I believe they're going to him anyway, but it just seems easier to talk to a dead person than a deity. So I've been praying to Our Lady in latin, I feel like a medieval peasant so it just seemed right.



Ave Maria, Gratia Plena, Dominus Tecum. Benedicta tu in mulieribus et benedictus fructus ventris tui Iesus. Sancte Maria, Mater Dei, Ora pro nobis pecatoribus, nunc, et in hora mortis, nostrae.



I'm terrified about so much in life right now, I have so many essays - I don't know how I'm going to get through it. I gave up World of Warcraft. I have a drivers test that i'm scared about too. I'm so angry at life in general, I hate it, I hate me. I feel so incredibly weak and scared about everything.



I was listening to the radio yesterday night and heard the story of Abraham and Jehovah Jireh - the Lord will provide. I just hope he provides me with some help or angels or something and with a hope and reason for living (and again if someone does read this, you probably know that i'm too cowardly to commit suicide, I'd just never do that). But I would like my life to mean more than struggling to survive, please those around me, be thin, and get a piece of paper (history degree).

Chris Hedges

Chris Hedges is smart, he has alot of good points.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vdl_xNMTYvs

Self-Loathing

Obese comes from the Mid-17th century Latin obesus , past participle of assumed obedere "eat until overweight" according to my dictionary.

I am one of the random Canadian statistics of Obese people who are apparently making up a huge portion of the population (though I don't really see them anywhere). I was thinking about this -as always- today at Brock. No one likes fat people. It's just a general premise in the world. Sure Kevin James or Chris Farley maybe not, but the vast majority of them, people hate. I don't particularly like seeing them either, even though I'm one of them.

It reminded me of a text we were reading in history class by Thomas Jefferson - slaveowner, racist extraordinaire, and co-founder of the United States. He writes: The negroes wish they were white as it is universally known that we are superior, even as the orangutang would prefer to be a negro. - and other things like that. It's interesting that many times people would really hate themselves today and all through history.

St. Paul says according to old Wycliffe's reckoning that "no man hated ever his own flesh, but nourisheth and fostereth it, as [and] Christ doeth the church." (Eph 5.29). But I got news for you St. Paul, I hated mine own flesh.

Then I realized, even God hates fat people, according to old Ezekiel 34:16 "I will destroy the fat...I will feed them with judgement" (he uses such great puns when he plans on destroying someone, it's like Bond one-liners)

So basically it's actually a virtue for me to hate myself. I can't believe how utterly detestable to every principle established by human or divine law. I was trying to think of things religions have in common today in lecture and I thought, all of them together could point to me and say 'this man has wasted his life - don't be like him'. That would certainly be an interesting proposal.

I genuinely drag everyone down, I am the dead weight of society. The other night I watched "the beach" with Leonardo Dicaprio or however you spell his name. Anyway, there's a scene where a guy gets bit by a shark and he keeps getting more sick and is coughing all night etc, and so the people just drag him out into the middle of the woods and leave him for dead. Then they all go back to their commune and play beach volleyball and have a fun day. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I am that shark attacked guy.

It's no one's fault but my own after all. I mean I started out in this life and made bad choices, and then God saved me at Capernwray from alot more and by the end I was on my way back to health and wealth, but then I screwed it all up by my own choices. So here I am today at 1:43 PM on November the third. I'm laying in bed, barely fitting into my clothing. I finished an essay last week (twice - had to rewrite it) and now I have 4 more due that I haven't started.

What's the point in trying to go on. I can already predict the future. I will struggle through a stress filled month, live in more sin, eat more doritos, play more world of warcraft, and then find myself in another state of severe depression 20 pounds heavier and even more hopeless than before. Life will continue to spiral downwards until I actually do have a heart attack or something and finally die, and if I'm lucky that will be it, and I'll have peace and quiet and rest from my own iniquity.

It would take a miracle on the scale of the Resurrection of Christ for life to turn out in my favour.