Three Good Things

Yesterday after class I didn't want to get home earlier because I would have to study for Latin, so I drove her home. It was the first time I'd been in her little area during the day time and it looked alot nicer. (It was the strangest thing though, it was the first town I've seen without a Church). Anyway it was a nice drive home and I was listening to Weezer's Red Album. I really like Heartsongs (I think it's called that) and 2 other tracks I don't know the names of. But the country lanes were really nice and peaceful, I felt like I could drive anywhere and was free for a little while.

I got my haircut and it was SO weird having someone get paid to in a shallow sense a. Care about my appearance, and b. Be personally and physically involved in my life. I didn't think I'd ever get lonely to the point of having the girl cutting my hair be a good point in my day. But such is life. It was only like 10 minutes, and the girl was ugly, but it was just so strange. Now I know why prostitution is probably such a long standing tradition.

Last night I went for a walk and the stars were really bright, but it was almost pitch black out. I did a rosary as I walked and it was really calming. Also when I got to scary parts of the walk it reminded me of what real instinctual danger feels like and made me realize how stupid worrying about school is.

When you focus on your life and just the immediate present at certain moments in your day with all your energy, it's almost scary how "real" life is. But on the flipside of that, it's amazing how much I can drift through life just thinking and having my body on autopilot.

Prayer

I should be writing on my theology blog if it's about God or Religion, but I post on here because I know nobody reads it and I can get out my really personal thoughts.



2 days ago a friend asked me to pray for her on the phone. I don't remember how to pray to God the right way anymore. I don't even know if I believe in prayer. I have all the arguments and logically I can accept it, it's just personally I don't know if I think God even likes me, I've abused our friendship too much. (Now's where protestants will attack me) But I've been praying to the saints alot recently. I mean I believe they're going to him anyway, but it just seems easier to talk to a dead person than a deity. So I've been praying to Our Lady in latin, I feel like a medieval peasant so it just seemed right.



Ave Maria, Gratia Plena, Dominus Tecum. Benedicta tu in mulieribus et benedictus fructus ventris tui Iesus. Sancte Maria, Mater Dei, Ora pro nobis pecatoribus, nunc, et in hora mortis, nostrae.



I'm terrified about so much in life right now, I have so many essays - I don't know how I'm going to get through it. I gave up World of Warcraft. I have a drivers test that i'm scared about too. I'm so angry at life in general, I hate it, I hate me. I feel so incredibly weak and scared about everything.



I was listening to the radio yesterday night and heard the story of Abraham and Jehovah Jireh - the Lord will provide. I just hope he provides me with some help or angels or something and with a hope and reason for living (and again if someone does read this, you probably know that i'm too cowardly to commit suicide, I'd just never do that). But I would like my life to mean more than struggling to survive, please those around me, be thin, and get a piece of paper (history degree).