My teeth are terrible. With no exageration I probably have gum disease and gingevitis. I have to go to the dentist tomorrow for the first time in 2 years. Not since Grade 12 before graduating. I am terrified. . .
This is when I realize how weak I am. How I am in complete pain right now because of the pain in my mouth (from flossing). I am reduced to silence and fear. If I am amazed by any of my abilities, it is my ability for pride in a way. I've not really ever been proud as in feeling great or better than others, but when I realize my sheer weakness, it's amazing that I ever feel strong in any way. All it takes is a minor affliction and I'm back to fear and trembling..
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
Money
St. Paul writes to his padawan / bishop in training St. Timothy that "the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil". Today I had to listen to parents argue about money. I realized as well today that I hate money. People at Capernwray were so taken aback when I told them my dad owned a plane and that we were rich that they thought I was lying. Probably because I don't spend much money, and I've never viewed money as mine, since my parents can take it whenever they want with no questions asked.
So basically I realized again that the monastic life is strangely and in some ways even more appealing. I truly hope that God will strike me dead before I have to argue with someone I love about money. I have to leave for work in ten minutes to earn money. I don't care about my money, it will all go to school, which will lead to nothing, it's so meaningless and traps so many people. In my principles - not my everyday life example - I believe it is better to be homeless. I believe the bible says 'blessed are the poor', that's a very old Christian virtue which has been lost by the Sodom and Gommorah in which we live (remember the sin of Sodom was neglected for the poor according to Ezekiel).
I saw "Into the Wild" the other day, I'd read the book years ago. I always liked when he burned all the money he had. I've wanted to do that. It is the ultimate sign of faith I think, and of worldly renounciation. The Government controls so much, and in our idolization (if not worship) of money, I wonder if the greatest incidences of Caesaro-Papism are not left in the pages of the East-West schism but are in our Post-Modern world.
God help us all from this root of money which so easily ensnares the world.
So basically I realized again that the monastic life is strangely and in some ways even more appealing. I truly hope that God will strike me dead before I have to argue with someone I love about money. I have to leave for work in ten minutes to earn money. I don't care about my money, it will all go to school, which will lead to nothing, it's so meaningless and traps so many people. In my principles - not my everyday life example - I believe it is better to be homeless. I believe the bible says 'blessed are the poor', that's a very old Christian virtue which has been lost by the Sodom and Gommorah in which we live (remember the sin of Sodom was neglected for the poor according to Ezekiel).
I saw "Into the Wild" the other day, I'd read the book years ago. I always liked when he burned all the money he had. I've wanted to do that. It is the ultimate sign of faith I think, and of worldly renounciation. The Government controls so much, and in our idolization (if not worship) of money, I wonder if the greatest incidences of Caesaro-Papism are not left in the pages of the East-West schism but are in our Post-Modern world.
God help us all from this root of money which so easily ensnares the world.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Weight
Our Lord once said "come to me all who are heavy burdened and I will give ye rest" (or something to that effect, somewhere around Matthew 11:28). Lately things seem so heavy. I've gained huge amounts of weight since Capernwray and even since last year. I'm 270 pounds. That is downright disgusting, sometimes before I eat, I pray "Father forgive me for what I am about to do" as I make the signum crucis.
Sin also weighs down. I confess my sins to God, but I am constantly haunted by Jn 20:23 and know that I may very likely remain in mortal sin, and the threat of eternal damnation. I try to cry alot, remembering St. Ambrose quote about the 2 regenerating baptisms, that of water, and that of tears (contrition).
I read the promises of Scripture (rom 6:4) I think of St. Paul's rejoicing that we have the Spirit which will save us and lead us into new life, but I feel the dead weight, the death of sin, which haunts me at every turn. The utter inability to do what is good, to love God, to love my neighbour. I often wonder if I am the only student of theology who might think he is damned, even though he believes all the right things, and can extoll and exposit the Word of God and lead others in the path he is too weak to walk himself.
Again the weight of it all carries me down. I know all the verses, I know the theology of liberation, I know about the Cross and the Resurrection, but life seems so far. I feel like a ship stuck on a rock a few miles from a lighthouse, I tell the passing vessels where the light is, I know where the light is, and I want to go where the light is, except I can't, I'm weighed down to much to sail.
I am a great coward. It appears so easy to live right, and it is the just requirement of all who bear the name of Christian. But it seems I am too unregenerate, too burdened, too lazy, too fat, and in truth, alone.
Sin also weighs down. I confess my sins to God, but I am constantly haunted by Jn 20:23 and know that I may very likely remain in mortal sin, and the threat of eternal damnation. I try to cry alot, remembering St. Ambrose quote about the 2 regenerating baptisms, that of water, and that of tears (contrition).
I read the promises of Scripture (rom 6:4) I think of St. Paul's rejoicing that we have the Spirit which will save us and lead us into new life, but I feel the dead weight, the death of sin, which haunts me at every turn. The utter inability to do what is good, to love God, to love my neighbour. I often wonder if I am the only student of theology who might think he is damned, even though he believes all the right things, and can extoll and exposit the Word of God and lead others in the path he is too weak to walk himself.
Again the weight of it all carries me down. I know all the verses, I know the theology of liberation, I know about the Cross and the Resurrection, but life seems so far. I feel like a ship stuck on a rock a few miles from a lighthouse, I tell the passing vessels where the light is, I know where the light is, and I want to go where the light is, except I can't, I'm weighed down to much to sail.
I am a great coward. It appears so easy to live right, and it is the just requirement of all who bear the name of Christian. But it seems I am too unregenerate, too burdened, too lazy, too fat, and in truth, alone.
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