Terrible

It seems like no power in earth or heaven can fix what is broken inside of me. I don't really understand it anymore. I am so incredibly alone. By the way, if you're alone don't listen to "How To Save A Life" by the Fray...it doesn't help.

I have this deep feeling that life will continue to only find meaning in small struggles and that arbitrarily progressing and writing papers and stressing about driving tests and dentists is the only thing that gives me a purpose at all. I've prayed so much, I prayed most of my shift at work tonight. I feel like someone has died, I feel like my life is a funeral procession. I looked at houses in the newspaper tonight on break at work and realized that I will never own a house, I will never be married, or have children (unless I get really sad and lonely and adopt a kid and ruin his or her life as well).

I have a few options I was thinking over as I've talked to all my Christian friends who seem to be doing ok (by the way in a twist of fate after enduring all of the hatred and deciding to convert, it seems God won't grant me the joy of religion either, I find myself HATING Catholicism.). And all my friends are much more pure than I am, they can read the bible and live it. I can only listen to it and either not enjoy it, live it, or believe it. Damn liberal theologians like Marcus Borg for trying to destroy my faith which was all I had left.

Anyway, once again I find myself sitting in the east wing of Cottrill manor in my bed waiting to fall asleep. As Hamlet once said (quoting from memory) "to die, to sleep, perchance to dream, ay there's the rub, for in that sleep, what dreams may come?"

There is so much wrong with me I have no idea what to do... a friend called me and told me about all of his accomplishments which were encouraging and done in a good spirit, but in the end I just realized that I am not like him. I am reprobate, unregenerate, alone. My greatest wish is to some day sit reading this with my life in order shocked and horrified that I'd ever write such a thing and make it public no less. But it doesn't matter, no one reads it anyway, and even if they do, what do you say to the person who's memorized the answers they've given him for years?